Dear hurt church members...

Dear hurt church members,

On behalf of church pastors, I wanted to ask for your forgiveness.

Every week, in churches across the world (especially the western world), people are leaving the churches they love. To be fair, it is for a number of reasons (youth and children's ministry, worship style, preaching, carpet color?), but one of those reasons is because of leadership.

October is always pastor appreciation month, but right now...you may not appreciate your pastor very much at all. I'm so sorry!

You have served in the church you love for years. Some of you helped plant that church, some of you raised your kids there, your close friends are there, you sacrificially gave to help build buildings so more people could be reached. It's not just a church for you...it has become your family, as you have labored to partner in the Gospel together.

Then, along comes a new leader...everyone is excited, there's new hope this person will help your church once again flourish, the new leader comes in with new ideas, new vision for ministry, and you don't see it...Or perhaps the leadership of your church has made some decisions you don't like.

You've tried to talk about your concerns (which may have grown to frustration by now) with the new leader or leadership, but there is disagreement at best and you sense that they don't care at worse.

Let me try to encourage you with a few thoughts...

1. Again, I am so sorry. No pastor I have ever talked to, becomes a pastor because they wanted to sabotage the amazing work you have done for so many years. You have concerns and they are probably valid, the truth is, you might even be right! Maybe their leadership style and vision is the wrong one for that community, and it just wasn't/isn't the right fit. But please know...whether it is a good fit or not, that pastor/leader most likely, out of a love for God and people felt compelled to serve the church. They are not waking up every morning thinking, "How can I cause more harm to the church!" If you have been hurt, and your heart has grown hard, may you remember this as the play-list of frustration is on repeat in your head.

2. You might be feeling like instead of you leaving the church...the church has left you. Friends, change is hard for everyone. It might not even be the change you are frustrated with, but the loss that comes with it...you feel displaced and unheard, maybe even discarded. In one church I used to pastor, I remember one sweet older gal taking me out to coffee. She was frustrated with the changes I had made in the order of service and said, "I was really frustrated with you, but then I realized, you just don't know how we do things around here." I certainly wasn't trying to be difficult or unsympathetic...we just disagreed. It's okay to disagree.

3. Pastor's are sinners too. We make mistakes, we say things we shouldn't, we make decisions that are wrong and so much more. We need to ask for forgiveness too. When people ask me, "What's the hardest thing about being a pastor?" My response is easy, "Managing people's expectations." and "Constant unsolicited advice." Sometimes we don't handle peoples expectations the best, and we've lost our ability to be patient with unsolicited advice. This is where the Gospel is lived out best...in the messiness of our disagreements and failures. "I'm sorry!", "Please forgive me", "I was wrong" are some great starting points for all of us as we work towards healing. I know right now, some of you are saying into your screen, "I'm not going to forgive that person until he/she apologizes to me first." There is much to say to this, but let me just ask a question; Aren't you so glad that God didn't wait until you apologized first, to die on the cross for your sins? #incarnation #thankyouJesus

4. I like to remind us that in Christ...there is just one church. We are all members of the same body and Christ is our head. We may gather in different locations, have different expressions and preferences...but we are one huge household family/body. (See Ephesians and Corinthians on this one!)  Jesus reminds us, that the world will know who we are by the way we love. I'm not attempting to rationalize, excuse or justify any pastor's wrong-doing. I'm simply saying...it's in the mess of relationships that the Gospel is displayed best. If there is no way you can stay at that church you love,  while that pastor/leader is there, it's okay...there's just one church. One-ness is not Same-ness.

5. Lastly, if you are a pastor/leader...if you haven't already, you will frustrate someone, or maybe even hurt them with something you've said or a decision(s) you've made. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angered, and quick to ask for forgiveness, not just for the hurt that was caused but for the hurt you caused. I know you didn't go into ministry to hurt anyone...so listen well and remember, that all ministry is temporary. Your role there is temporary. You may have some great ideas, but being right is never the goal. Christ is the only Senior Pastor that really matters. The church you are at right now will be there (God willing) long after you serve your call there. Is there at least one way you can be a better listener to those who are hurt by you? Perhaps, in that listening you'll discern that maybe you are the one who is not the right fit for that body/community. You haven't failed, but you may if you stay.

Praying for the church today, as we navigate expectations, preferences, and hurt. Lord, in your mercy, hear our prayers...

Romans 12:18 

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

ALL kids lie! It's just harder when it's your kid lying.

Yes...your kids lie too! 

My wife and I have been Young Leaders for almost 25 years. First we were volunteers, then we spent almost a decade on Young Life staff, and now we are volunteers again. We've spent countless hours building relationships with young people, over coffee, in bible studies, playing games, coaching, mentoring, sharing in cabin times, and more, and if there's one truth I've learned in those 25 years, it's that all kids lie. They have to! They have to lie if they want to get their way...and here's where I think this is a good thing. One of the reasons they are lying to get their way is because you (parents, youth leader, teacher, etc...), are setting healthy boundaries that will help them learn and grow. So, first of all...way to go! I'm not celebrating lying...I'm celebrating that you care for kids enough to set boundaries. Keep setting boundaries, keep loving well, keep helping them understand that "no" is not a bad thing, and keep helping kids understand that the truth is always best, even if the consequences are difficult. Kids lie for other reasons too (Pride, Fear, etc..) but for this blog post, I want to focus on the side of lying that crushes growth through hardship.

It's harder when it's your kids

I thought that my 25 years of building relationships with young people would give me the necessary tools to help my own kids not lie...I was wrong. My kids lie too. Now, yes...I agree with you, there are varying degrees of kids lying to be sure; for some kids it's stealing and lying when they get caught, not brushing their teeth when they said they did, changing answers on a corrected test, or saying they are somewhere when they aren't. For some it's deleting text messages they've sent or received, and for others it's telling you they went to Sunday School, but really skipped out to get donuts in the fellowship hall while nobody was looking. But, none-the-less, kids lie. Yes, a "partial truth" is still a lie; "Well, I didn't lie...I just didn't tell you the full truth." Yep, that's a lie! And...truth be told, some kids just flat out lie to your face.

So, why is it important to admit that all kids lie?

Because so many adults have become rescuers, which has led to enabling, which has led to entitlement, which has led to more lying...and we wonder why our kids aren't motivated to do anything else but play Fortnite or post stuff on Instagram.

All of us have family members, or friends who work in the public schools...keep talking to them as you'll hear countless stories of parents rescuing their kids with well intention-ed but unhelpful phrases like; "My child wouldn't do that!", "If my son says he didn't do it, then he didn't do it.", "Do you have video proof that she did it?", "Why are YOU failing MY child.", or talk to a coach who has to navigate the difficulty of a parent's expectations for their kid to get more playing time. 

Another reasons kids lie, is because they know they can...when something goes wrong, their helicopter parent will come swooping in and instead of asking questions to get a better picture of the full truth, will start launching into a series of the aforementioned definitive statements that leaves zero room for equipping the student to navigate conflict, and instead just reinforces the notion that it's okay to lie (or not tell the full truth, or just their version of the truth) it's the easiest way to get the result you want.

Kids don't need more buddies...they need leaders in their life who love them, and who can help them navigate adolescence in an extremely difficult time. Kids have more access to content, news, and people then they've ever had in any generation before them, and while there are some tremendous benefits to this connectivity, there are also some serious difficulties they are facing, and they don't need more buddies...they need wise adults, coming around them to help them know what real relationships look like, what real love looks like, and to remind them they have people they can go to to process life...because life is hard people, and we need to help our kids understand this too. We've forgotten the saying that God doesn't protect us from something that will perfect us.

I stopped by our local high school the other day, and as I got out of my car to check in the office, there was a student talking with an administrator. By the time I got from my car to the front door (about 25 feet), I heard that student tell the administrator to "___k off!" at least ten times (no the word he was saying before "off" was not Truck!). We have a huge portion of young people who have little respect for authority, and instead of blaming them let's own our role in allowing it. We've become buddies with our kids instead of leaders because we don't want to hurt their ego or squash their self-esteem, and in many cases we've stopped helping our kids realize they aren't always the victims.

Who's with me in this? (I feel like Russell Crowe in the movie Gladiator, when he's pleading with his army to remember that what they do on earth will echo in eternity.) So friends...Can we stack hands on some things?

• Let's work to get the full truth. Ask more questions of more people involved, to get a better understanding of the whole situation. Your child will only give you part of the story, remember the title of this blog post. All kids lie! Some intentionally, and some are only telling the partial truth, not even necessarily out of a desire to deceive, but because it's "their truth", it's the way they feel about it, and it's the way they remember it.

• Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angered. Part of our role as adults is to have the wisdom and discernment to help our young people understand how to navigate their adolescence. They don't need a bunch of frustrated adults, belittling their generation...they need caring adults who are quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angered, so they have safe people to talk to. Let's own our role in not doing this well.

• Relationships take work. It's hard to play board games with kids, shoot baskets, have a catch, go to coffee, go on walks, do family road trips, lay on the couch and listen...but if we want to see any change in our young people, it will take all of us willing to invest relationally with kids. Coach a sport, be a Big Brother/Big Sister, volunteer at the YMCA, read in a classroom, be a Young Life leader or a youth group leader in your church. Before we work at being critical, ask yourself, "Am I willing to invest relationally in kids lives?" As the saying goes; "Kid's don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care!"

Praying for you friends...it's hard work, but it's good work, and it's worth it!!

When those you love have a Mental Illness

My dad battled Mental Illness almost his entire adult life...our mom tried to protect us from it as long as she could, but when I was about 8 years old, I could tell something was off with him.

Initially, he didn't want to get help, he didn't think anything was wrong (perhaps you are at this stage with your loved one?)...he thought we were against him, his co-workers were against him, the whole world...against him. He finally agreed to be admitted to the local mental hospital, and that began for us almost 30 years of hoping that one day, Dad would be normal again.

Some of you who will read this, know how the story ends. About 4.5 years ago, on the night of a July 4th, my dad was murdered. The young man who beat my dad to death is spending 20 years in our state's maximum security penitentiary.  I'm writing this blog because over the years I have had several conversations with people who are trying to navigate living with and walking with their loved ones who are battling a Mental Illness...

While I don't get any more middle of the night phone calls from my dad telling me that the lucky number for the day is 9, or asking for money, or degrading me, or telling me that I'm not really his son, or having him walk in our back yard at the break of dawn yelling and pounding on our door while our kids are sleeping...in some ways, I sure wish I did, because I miss him. I miss him a lot. But one of the things that lives on from his life is that I have had the great privilege in talking with a number a people over the years who also have loved one's who battle mental illness. When people call me, they aren't really sure what to ask, some are looking for hope, and others are simply trying to make sense of the crazy they are experiencing while navigating what it means to walk with those whom they love so deeply but who seemingly don't want their love.

It's hard to describe to others who have never experienced it, what exactly it's like to watch your loved one's battle their mental health condition, and to then love them well through it...there is a huge spectrum of mental illness. My dad was diagnosed with Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder, which at best meant he had extreme highs and devastatingly low-lows and at worst meant he couldn't sleep, wandered the streets at night, had paranoid delusions, and grandiose thoughts. Often he thought people were following him, thought his phone was tapped, that Comcast was watching him through his television, that he played for the Mariners, or that he was a top secret detective working sensitive cases...then there were the times he walked into the local police department asking for his business cards, or the time he walked into a local high school classroom declaring he was the "Sub" for the day, only to be confronted by the teacher that indeed, no sub was needed.

There's also a ton of pain that comes with Mental Illness as well. How do you describe to people what its like when your an 8 year old boy and your dad asks you to leave the room because he's afraid he'll hurt you, or in the many years to follow when you go on multiple visits to the State Mental Hospital and you have to walk through a series of securely locked doors only to see him restrained in a straight jacket, or tied to a bed so he doesn't hurt himself or others or when you get there he is SO sedated that you can't even make sense of the words he's trying to say, so you wipe the drool from his lips, and when you look in his eyes you don't see anyone looking back..."Hey dad, it's me...can you hear me?" 

Mental Illness is difficult for everyone. Sadly, many people who have a mental illness ultimately alienate their loved ones because of it. Families often give up trying to help, not because they don't love them, it's because they love them so much, and they've tried SO HARD to find solutions, they are just simply exhausted, hurt, angry, and they don't know what else to do. 

I don't know that this blog will be helpful for everyone (or anyone really) dealing with someone in their life who is battling mental illness. But here are a few things I am so glad I was able to do and understand in the 30 years I experienced and lived it with my dad.

1. You'll never regret loving them as best you can, for as long as you can. One of the things that I am grateful for now, is that I didn't stop interacting with my dad over the years. It sure wasn't easy, and sometimes I had to create boundaries (like the time I had to get a restraining order against him), but over the years, my dad knew that I was there for him. He didn't know that I sometimes paid his Section 8 housing rent so he wouldn't be evicted or that his apartment manager would call me to tell me that he was walking around naked in the courtyard asking if I could come help, but he knew that I wasn't going anywhere. Some folks told me to just let him go, that I couldn't do anything to help him...and in some ways they were probably right. I knew I couldn't fix him and while I wish I could just clap my hands and see him "snap out of it', I knew that wasn't going to happen...and looking back now, I am SO GLAD I didn't let him go, or give up on him. I don't know what that will look like for you as every mental illness is different (it might even lead to some significant boundaries for your own safety), everyone's response will be different, but I can't encourage you enough...love them as best you can, for as long as you can.

2. Medicine works, but sometimes it doesn't. My dad had a great run in the 90's. He got re-married, they bought a home, he had a stable job with the state and then it all came crashing down again...when I was visiting him in the mental hospital I asked the doctor what happened. I knew that my dad had been regularly visiting doctors that he allegedly had been taking his medications, and the doctor confirmed all of this, assured me that all of his drug levels were perfect and then he dropped the bomb that re-oriented how I understood mental illness. He told me that my dad was doing everything right, but that eventually the body overcomes the medications and is only a matter of time before they have more episodes...this was a game changer for me. It allowed me to turn from anger to grace. I was told for so long that as long as my dad took his medications, that everything would be normal...and that was mostly true, but sometimes it wasn't. For some reason that allowed me the ability to stop being angry at my dad. I don't know where you are at with your loved one right now, but my hope is that your anger can move to grace. Mental Illness is a life-long battle, and there will be seasons when your loved one is doing great, they are medicated well, they are visiting their doctors, they are doing everything "right", but it's possible their medications might stop being as effective as they once were and in those times it will be good to understand that grace will be more helpful than anger.

3. Have a few close friends you can process it with. Get it out. Talk about your anger, your pain, your frustration...if you hold it in, you might go crazy. Find ways to smile and laugh again, be around people who can speak life in to you. If there's one thing you need to hear, hear this...It's not your fault! It's an illness, and it may be something you deal with your entire life...so be sure to have a couple close friends you can process with, it may be the only thing that keeps you mentally healthy.

I am so sorry you are going through this with your loved one. Trying to have a rational conversation with someone about getting help for their mental illness can feel about as successful as a rational conversation with a toddler during a tantrum. I pray that one day, some where, there will be a cure for all mental health issues, but until then; love as best you can, for as long as you can, work towards grace if you are able, and have some close friends you can process it all with. Hang in there...you are not alone.

4 Reasons Why I've Stopped Marketing and Promoting Easter

Happy Easter Everyone!!

As many of you know, I pastor a local church in our community...I love it, and it is such a gift to be a part of people's lives from birth to death...to help a community of faith pursue life that is really life.

I absolutely love what Eugene Petersen says about the church;

"The biblical fact is that there are no successful churches. There are, instead, communities of sinners, gathered before God week after week in towns and villages all over the world. The Holy Spirit gathers them and does his work in them. In these communities of sinners, one of the sinners is called pastor and given a designated responsibility in the community. The pastor’s responsibility is to keep the community attentive to God." 

I love this! Biblically, there are no "successful churches"...rather a community of sinners trying to stay attentive to God and that's the primary question that shapes my pastoral identity; "How do I help these people in this place (city, county, state, the world) stay attentive to God?"

What I find through out the year though is that I have to constantly squash the possibility that American Consumerism is creeping into the life of our community.  So, before I address that as I prepare to critique the American Church...let me say this;  There are a ton of great churches out there who are doing amazing things for the kingdom of God, I'm just not sure that the ridiculous amount of money churches spend on marketing is what Jesus had in mind when he said, "Go and make disciples."

I'll have to look up the Greek text, but I'm pretty sure "Go" has more of a relational sense to it then, "Go" having anything to do with spending thousands of dollars branding your church and creating a bunch of high powered programs and events that will attract people to a show rather than to Jesus.

So here are 4 reasons I've stopped trying to market our church or promote our "big" holiday services (ex...Christmas Eve, Easter, etc...)

1. It teaches consumerism, not Christianity
As Americans, we are good at this.  I wrote more about this in an earlier blog where I addressed the issue of entitlement:

http://exploringlifeandfaith.blogspot.com/2014/02/entitlement-number-one-killer-of.html

The deal is, when we aren't happy with what we have or don't have, we work to be happy...and in many aspects, this is good, but it has crept into the church as well. I just can't wrap my head around the notion that the Creator of the Universe, who became flesh for our sake who took the punishment we deserved, who was abandoned, forsaken, beaten, humiliated, crucified, was buried and then conquered all of that through the resurrection, did it so we could send a mailer out or build a social media marketing presence. When we live the Gospel out through our marketing...we are teaching people to be consumers.  We are teaching them to come to our churches to "get something" out of it (What is best for me or my kids instead of what is best for God) not to see what they can give to it. When we live the Gospel out through marketing, one of the dangers is that we are saying, "Come to our church, we are bigger and better, and can meet all of your needs..." People are saturated with marketing...they don't need more stuff, they need Gospel centered lives. Each week at church, I meet new peeps who come to "check out" our church, you know the kind of "pick up your cross" kind of life that Jesus is calling us to (read that last line with my most gracious sarcastic tone). Our marketing attempts only feed this consumer mentality, and I want to work harder at helping people pursue deep roots in community for the sake of the Gospel and it's impact in a hurting world, not just celebrate that we had more attendance than last years Easter service.

2. We are stealing an opportunity for people to live missionally.  When we market our churches, we are basically saying, "Don't worry about it...we sent a mailer, we have a huge social media presence, our website is off-the-hook (Yes, I grew up in the 80's and 90's...I know "Off-the-hook" was retired at least a decade ago, but you get the point) so don't worry about it, don't invite your friends, we already have...we've spent thousands of dollars to reach them."

This is crazy thinking...we should be constantly challenging the church to build relationships, not steal their opportunities to do so with our budgets. I get it...I hear you saying through your computer screen, "... I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." I don't think Paul meant, "brand and promote" when he was writing to Corinth...he was talking about real, authentic COMMUNITY that live the Gospel out through their WITNESS, not their advertising. The American marketing tail is waving the biblical dog on this one.

3. We are exhausting our people and staff.
Each year when large church staff get together, they begin to dream and think, "How can we make this bigger and better than last year?" The intention is good..."We want to reach more people", but this kind of thinking is exhausting your people and staff.  Your new Worship Pastor now has to think about how to impress the people with how great the Holy Week services were, how big the choir was, how incredible the song selection was, what people will think compared to last year...and your choir is thinking, "Between rehearsal and actual services (or "shows")...I won't see my family this week." Well done church...we've just replaced discipleship with performance, it's no wonder people are leaving the church in droves. The pastoral staff is thinking, "Okay, last year we lowered Jeff down as Jesus using fog machines and carabiners...this year, should we think about having him zip line in on a donkey with lasers and palm branches?" For the life of me, when I think about what the Gospel calls us too...I just don't think this is it.

4. It's actually bait and switch at best...
...and hinders the biblical view of community at worst. We aren't showing guests what we are really like or how to live the Gospel out in our every day lives. We work so hard to promote, and promise what an incredible experience you'll have on Easter Sunday and then the following week we all get to go back to normal. I wonder if we did a poll, what the percentage of pastors is that take the Sunday after Easter or Christmas Eve off? Why? Because they are too tired from the hoopla from the week before, but even more so, too tired from the weeks of build up before that. What if we just trusted that the Holy Spirit was actually at work in our everyday lives and as God gather's His people each week, trust that the work God has begun will be a work that God will continue even without (or perhaps in spite of) our mass marketing appeal.


So, I'm done...I'm done promoting and advertising and working so hard to convince you that if you come to our church, we will wow you...cause you know what, WE WON'T! I can't change your life, I can't meet all of your needs, sometimes my sermons will suck, and sometimes your kids will be bored in worship or Sunday School as they long to get back to their tablets. I can't change your life through programs, or stage sets, or marketing madness...but I know the One who can, and I pray you will know Him too. The Gospel is not boring, it's AMAZING...and if you really know the Gospel, your life will never be the same and no amount of marketing will convince you of this. So here is my marketing attempt to you...

Come and see friends, come and see...

2 Words That Might Be Crushing Your Marriage

In truth...the two words I'll offer as the "crushers" of your marriage are most likely not the thing hurting it.  The root of why we use these words is really the thing to address...the disconnect we have with our spouse is the real fire we need to extinguish. These words are just the gasoline we pour on an already smoldering mess.

In a previous Blog on marriage I wrote that when couples come to me for marriage counseling and are near divorce, it's RARELY because of one instance or event...typically, folks I talk to want to divorce because of 1000's of emotional paper cuts, year, after year, after year...and these two words are part of the reason you feel so helpless.  Are you ready for them? Drum roll, please....

"Always" and "Never"...these are two words that you need to stop saying to your spouse.  Yes, it's true sometimes one partner in the relationship does more around the house, or the yard, or with the kids, or does most of the shopping, or wants to have sex less than the other, or add any number of things that frustrate you about your spouse but to say to them in the heat of your frustration (not that Kari and I have ever said these to each other) :) that;

"You never help with the kids..."
"You always leave your dishes in the sink..."
"You never want to make love anymore..."
"I always do everything ("everything" is the cousin to never and always) around the house..."
"You never support me in what I want to do..."
"It's always a mess whenever we get together with your side of the family..."

Two things about these statements:

1. If you are already disconnected with your spouse, try using one of these statements and your spouse will immediately do the very thing you say he/she never does or stop the behavior you say they always do...you know why? So they can make the statement false AND add it to the horde of arsenal to pepper you with in your next fight.

2. It's just not true...it may feel like you are carrying the weight in an area of your relationship and that you do far more in an area (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, outside yard work...) than your spouse, but to say they "never" or "always" is simply false. (sadly, some of you are saying right now, "No, Rhyan...He/She "never" helps") You are missing the point, my friend...

The goal in your marriage is not "winning" (although Charlie Sheen may disagree, #winning)  The goal is constant growth in all the ways you publicly made vows to each other on your wedding day.  I know that thriving in your marriage is tough...especially when it feels like you are barely surviving.  But I guarantee you, if you talk to each other with these definitive statements, it won't get better...your spouse will most likely resort to just proving you wrong, and the cycle continues...

Step 1. You get mad. Step 2. You say an "always/never statement. Step 3. They work to prove you wrong. Step 4. They keep tabs of things you do so when you come back with your "always/never" again, they can shove it in your face with all the ways your wrong.  This is not marriage, this is middle school.

So here is one idea for you to consider as you are frustrated and trying to figure out how to approach things that frustrate you with your spouse.

Never (see what I did there), try to correct/challenge/address something you are frustrated about when you and your spouse are disconnected.  Do we really think we are in a good space to work on our differences when we are already disconnected? (this is the case in parenting too...but I'll save that for another blog).  Ask your spouse if you can talk later about something that is frustrating you...give them the permission to set the time/date to work it through.  If it goes south while you are "working" on it (aka...fighting), take a time-out...again, the goal is not winning, the goal is growing, thriving, flourishing, for the long haul.

Kari and I had to make a rule...we realized that the majority of the times we fought after 9pm, it would not end well.  You know what we did?  We stopped working on things that frustrated us after 9pm...which is hard, because it's often the only time that we really saw each other after getting home from work, driving kids to and fro with their activities, dinner, homework, bedtime routines, etc...but if we fight after 9pm, it most likely will end poorly because, we are tired, we most likely haven't connected much for the day, and so we often say, "When would be a good time for us to talk about this?" and we set the date.  The trick will be to consider this a good thing, not acting like a frustrated 12 year old toward your spouse until you finally talk it through.

Lastly, here are some phrases that you might try instead as you embrace and look each other in the eyes..."We are on the same team!", "I am sorry.", "I love you very much.", "I want to keep working on this.", "I don't wake up in the morning thinking of ways I can frustrate you."

Keep going my friends...it's worth it...you are one the same team!!

Talking To Your White Kids About Race and Privilege In America

I've been super hesitant to write about this topic for a number of reasons.  I'm white. I live in suburban America.  In this blog, I've loved talking about marriage and raising kids...but race conversations are difficult,  I wonder often if I have any real ability to add anything helpful to the conversation...because of my aforementioned biological and demographic disposition.  But as my Facebook feed is blowing up on this topic from friends of mine on all sides...a few things just continue to grieve me;

1. I am the father of 4 little kids, who right now, love everyone and everything...they have no fear of others with regard to race, ethnicity, social status or other...and their only opinion right now on race relations is that not everyone has the same skin color. They will most likely grow up where the majority of their relationships are with other white kids...their social interactions will be predominately with other white kids and they, like me and their mom...will have little to no understanding of what white privilege in America is really like, because we are subjective white suburbans...and we don't even realize such a thing exists.  And this is part of the problem...we don't get it.  We don't face the same trials that our American brothers and sisters of color face on a daily basis.  There is a great article that highlights this disparity.  Here is the link if you are interested...

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/08/self-segregation-why-its-hard-for-whites-to-understand-ferguson/378928/

Two lines stood out to me...

"Clearly white Americans see the broader significance of Michael Brown’s death through radically different lenses than black Americans. There are myriad reasons for this divergence, from political ideologies—which, for example, place different emphases on law and order versus citizens’ rights—to fears based in racist stereotypes of young black men. But the chief obstacle to having an intelligent, or even intelligible, conversation across the racial divide is that on average white Americans live in communities that face far fewer problems and talk mostly to other white people."

The other brings me to tears as I think of what it would be like to parent my children in these ways...

"Jonathan Capehart’s Washington Post column after the Brown shooting contained a personal and poignant account of his mother’s lessons to him as a young black man:

How I shouldn’t run in public, lest I arouse undue suspicion. How I most definitely should not run with anything in my hands, lest anyone think I stole something. The lesson included not talking back to the police, lest you give them a reason to take you to jail—or worse. And I was taught to never, ever leave home without identification."

2. It's easy to look at the "facts of case", as people are saying...and make statements around why this is just another example of "a man" who attacked a police officer, who wouldn't surrender, who was a violent criminal, who got shot by a police officer who was fighting for his life...here are some of those "facts" as noted by the Washington Post;

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/11/25/get-completely-caught-up-on-whats-happened-in-ferguson/#shooting

It's easy to talk about other cases of inequalities for whites.  It's easy to use examples of blacks killing white's.  It's easy to make these comments about this being nothing about race...it's easy...especially if you are white.  This again, is part of the problem...we (forgive me for speaking in general on behalf of white Americans), are not listening.  The Ferguson protests, riots, looting and more are the collective voice of tired souls crying..."Mercy! When will it end?"  Ferguson highlights once again the continue distrust between police and minorities...and a cry from many asking, "Will anyone do anything about it?"

So what will we do?  

• I hope we will work on listening...I want to hear more about what it means to be a "person of color" in America and how that shapes ones daily interactions in life.  I want to know what I can do to help...because I know that I have a lot to learn.

• I want to talk to my kids all the time about how their worldviews shape the way they care for others regardless of their race/ethnicity/other.  Maybe in the generations to come (praying it will come sooner)...we'll see the mercy that Ferguson is calling for. 

• I also want us to work hard at not growing calloused toward one another. I have shared this before, as a status post on my FB profile but I think it's worth saying again...When my dad was murdered, I thanked God for the hard work and perseverance of the officers who investigated and solved the case...and I am still grateful today, more than they know. I am praying for police officers around the country, for tirelessly providing safety, security and peace, so I can sit at my computer and post things on Facebook, while they literally put their life on the line every day for me and my family...and I'm praying for those police officers who have become calloused because of a broken and brutal world...may they care again. Thank you, to all who serve.

This Youtube video link is worth the 3 minute perspective on how hard it must be to serve in situations I'll never understand.  "That is why I love them, that is why I grieve them."...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTKxOXAhYAM

Lord in your mercy...hear our prayers! 

2 Reasons Why We Don't Let Our Kids Have Their Own Room

Raising kids has become one of the greatest joys and greatest struggles of our marriage.  Many of you know, Kari and I have 4 kids, all age 11 and under.  We have so loved seeing each of them become such unique, fun, and challenging little people.

You may have noticed I used the word "become" because, when our kids were all under six years old, every time someone would say to us, “Enjoy it, it sure goes by fast!”...I would throw up a little in my mouth.  “Enjoying” chasing, changing diapers, cleaning up several times a day, making meals, wiping noses and behinds is a bit of an oxymoron, all the while feeling like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, living the same day, over and over again…the monotony was sometimes painful. While parenting toddlers can be tremendous...it can also often feel like survival on so many levels.

Hindsight is 20/20 for sure...looking back on those times, there is much I miss.

When our kids got to the age of "needing" their own room, we made an intentional decision to have our kids share one bedroom.  Over the past several years, I've had a lot of conversations about this with folks, wondering how/what/why we would do this and so I thought I'd take a few moments to share what we have found to be helpful in this decision.

First though...let me qualify it (a ton). :)  This idea is obviously not for everyone...I think you could easily write a blog about why it's important to give every child their "space" in your home, and I get that.  If this is you, bravo...I am in no way challenging your parenting choices nor trying to brag of ours.  This past year as I've written a few blog posts on marriage, I've realized how much people are longing to join the conversation (almost 10,000 visits to this blog) in how to flourish in their marriage and in their parenting...so, this is only an attempt to give some thoughts on adding to the "flourishing parent" conversation.

So, for what it's worth...here are 2 Reasons Why We Don't Let Our Kids Have Their Own Room;

1. Selfish Autonomy That Leads to Entitlement - I've spoken on this a bit before from a pastoral perspective when I wrote about entitlement being the number one killer of the American Church.  But this is the case in general for humanity...we want things our way.  We are selfish, and prideful, and while we fight to serve and care for others, at the end of the day...most people (probably not you) care more about themselves then they do the interest of others.  We look at the man on the corner with disdain, believing he'll only use our charity to fuel his addiction.  We publicly celebrate the promotion of others while privately loathing that it wasn't "me".  We struggle to honestly and earnestly serve the other with no strings attached...I know this from the hundreds of conversations I've heard and had with statements like, "She didn't even say, 'Thanks.'", or "I don't need anything in return, but it would have at least been nice to have been acknowledged..."  My point is this...my kids are learning this idea of autonomy and entitlement on their own.  They live in a world that is all about it; Look good. Smell great. Have the perfect body. Get the right job. Get great grades so you can get into the right college. Wear Axe hair spray and ladies will literally jump you...basically, be perfect and nothing should stop you from that...it's truly all about, YOU!  But it's not actually...the reality is, the job you get, the spouse you marry, the roommate you have in college...they will all demand sacrifice of you, and your autonomy and entitlement will be challenged in every stage of your life.  So, in our home, we want to create a space where you have to intentionally know how to operate in a community...sharing a bedroom forces you to compromise your selfishness, especially when you are 11 and your little brother is 4. When you are trying to read a book and he's making bombing noises destroying all things in his imaginary sight in the bunk below.  Or when she leaves her smelly socks on your "clean" jeans and you've got to figure out how to resolve your frustration, because you'll be waking up with her in the morning.  When our kids get mad, they can't just go to their room, shut the door, and listen to music...they share that room with 3 other people.  Living in community is one of THE BEST ways to fight your selfish autonomy that leads to entitlement.

2. Creating a Generous Heart - I spent the past 20 years working with families, in an organization called, Young Life.  I've had countless conversations with parents about their kids, and each of them LONGS for their child to flourish in life...all of us want our kids to grow up to be great participants in society, and to contribute in a way that makes a difference.  One of the things we want our kids to have is a generous heart.  We want them to absolutely care about "the other".  There are several ways you can foster this in your kids, but for us...sharing a room together is one intentional way we've tried to accomplish this.  Creating a generous heart is not just in giving or sharing, but it also can be seen in how we resolve conflicts and frustrations.  Our kids will have plenty of opportunities to think about themselves (see point number 1), but in the community of their bedroom...they have to figure out how to be generous with their space and "their things".  Because again...every stage of their life will require working with others, and I pray that our kids will be givers and not just takers.  Some of the first words our kids learned (after of course, "Dad-da" and "Ma-Ma"), were "Mine!", "No", "Mine!", "No!"...in fact when our kids were toddlers, it was everything we could do to get them to share with others...they could have a toy on the shelf that they never played with and as soon as one of their siblings went to play with it, it became absolutely the most important thing for them to have at that moment, and the fighting commenced.  Sharing a bedroom, has forced our kids to figure out how to share their space and time and I'm convinced it is helping create in them a generous heart.

The truth is, one day, we may change our mind on this approach of a shared bedroom...but for now at least, we are going to keep helping our kids work on their charity, care, generosity, community, and benevolence.

In whatever ways you and yours are doing this in your home...keep going!!

Staying Connected With Your Spouse When You Feel Like Two Ships Passing In The Night

It's been just over 6 months since I wrote, "The night I wanted to divorce my wife, and why 4 years later, I am so glad I didn't"  If you didn't get a chance to read it, here is the link;

http://exploringlifeandfaith.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-night-i-wanted-to-divorce-my-wife.html

It received a huge response (a couple thousand peeps read it).  I didn't realize at the time, how many couples were longing for language to help them work through their difficulties.  For those of you who are married (or once were), you know just how hard marriage can be while simultaneously being the most tremendous gift you've ever received (when things are going well!) :)  When couples are able to work well together and intentionally fan the flame of their relationship in ways that grow it...there is simply nothing like it (insert here all of your favorite synonyms of, "Joy"!).  While at the same time, you are fully aware of the Jenga like nature of your relationship, where just one wrong move can send the whole thing crumbling.  The good news (sticking with our Jenga theme), it can be rebuilt (sometimes daily...sometimes hourly).  

This fall, was another change for our family and marriage...my wife (Kari) received her dream job, but it meant our schedules had to change.  She is up and out of the house early, and I am up to get our 4 little ones moving, dressed, fed, with some semblance of good hygiene (and by good hygiene, I mean minimal bed-head).  Once the kids are off to school/pre-school the fun hasn't stopped, it's just begun for the day...once school is out, Kari picks the kids up to start the second half of the crazy (homework, activities, sports, etc...).  Throw in the carpool routine and you've got a family of 6 running around from wake-up to 8pm, with about as much marital connection as a wet band-aid (wet band-aids aren't sticky or "connected" well...for those of you still kicking that visual around) :)

So, in an attempt to help you start thinking about being better connected with your spouse in the midst of the busyness of life...here are some thoughts that have helped Kari and I stay connected when we've felt like "two ships, passing in the night."

1.  Stay Intentional!  Do you remember when you started dating your spouse...you were busy then too.  You both had individual lives, working, going to school, studying, etc...you had to be intentional about getting time together, and you loved it as you were excited to spend time together.  Why has today's busyness caused you to stop being intentional about your time together?  A few years ago, Kari and I decided that we would plan at least two significant times together throughout the year...one of those times would be a few nights away just the two of us, and one would be a time away with our kids.  It's an intentional act to take a pause from the busy and to invest in the most important thing to us...our marriage and family.  What ways are you being intentional in your marriage?

2.  Never Stop Dating.  Dating is related to the first point in that, it has to be intentional...people love to be sought after.  We love to be longed for, to be needed, to feel wanted.  Dating is one way you can tell your spouse, "I need you...and I want you to know it!"  If you only took two trips a year together, my hunch is, you'll have a pretty disconnected marriage...but dating can take place any time and on a regular basis.  Sure it can be a dinner out, a movie, or drinks...but if you are on a budget, and can't afford these things, there are hundred's of things you can do at no cost; Go for a walk, play a board game, play frisbee golf together, read a book together, lay in bed naked as you talk about your day (you probably want to do this when the kids are gone), watch funny animal videos on YouTube together...do something!!!!  If you don't date on a regular basis, you are missing out on an incredible opportunity to grow your relationship.  When is the next date you have on your calendar with your spouse?

3.  Talk positively about each other, to each other, and back it up with your actions...I know this sounds like a "self-help" idea, and perhaps it is, but there are power in words (positive and negative) and telling each other what we like about the other is work that cultivates growth.  I had shared in my previous post on marriage that I had stopped thinking positively about Kari, and it was killing the way I viewed her and our relationship...my heart was growing hard.  Once I started thinking positively about her, telling her and showing it through my actions, it not only changed the way I was thinking about her and our marriage it changed the way she was responding to me.  This is one of those areas that we neglect in the midst of the crazy...and it's perhaps the easiest thing to do.  When you walk in the door from work/school/activities...just stop, hold your spouse, look them in the eye and tell her/him what you like about her/him...even just one thing.  Not only will this grow your fondness to each other...your kids will see it and you will be modeling what it looks like to grow a great relationship.  Lastly, be sure to back this up with your actions...I could tell Kari how great she is all day long, but if I don't make the bed, help with the dishes or help around the house in ways that speak her love language, then my words are deafening to her.  So here is my question for you...how are you speaking positively about your spouse and showing it through your actions?  

As you surely know by now...to be good, marriage like anything, takes intentional work...in marriage it takes the intentional work of both people to truly flourish.  Keep working at it friends...your marriage is worth every moment of intentional work you put in to it.  Now stop reading and go on a date with your spouse!

Why it might be a good thing if Christians lose their freedom of speech.

Recent headlines around the country have caused many Christians to be outraged because of the perceived violation of their First Amendment rights.  Many of my dear friends have posted such frustrations on social media outlets claiming everyone else has the free right to speech, except Christians.  Here's a link to the Washington Post describing the scenario;

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/religion/houston-subpoenas-pastors-sermons-in-gay-rights-ordinance-case/2014/10/15/9b848ff0-549d-11e4-b86d-184ac281388d_story.html

As I pondered this notion of Christians having "rights", I began to wonder, "Maybe it would be a good thing if Christians actually lost their rights to freedom of speech."?! #entitlement

So, before you de-friend me, label me, or other...can we just pause for a moment and think of what you are saying, when you argue you have rights as a Christian in light of the New Testament narrative of God's sovereign plan for creation through the person and work of Jesus Christ.

Full Disclosure; I'm a pastor in America.  I love my "rights" and privileges as an American, as I sip my coffee at my favorite local hot spots, hoping passerby's are convicted of their propensity to sin watching me read out of my leather bound red-lettered bible, believing that I'm being a good "witness" for Christ #maybetheyllseemycrossnecklacetoo.  If you were to ask me where I fall on the political scale (left/middle/right) I would say, "It probably depends on the issue."  (let's grab a beer and talk more one day). :)  But if we really take a deep look in the Clouded American Gospel Mirror, the entitlement we (as Christians), daily take for granted has very little to do with the biblical notion of "dying to self", "picking up a cross", and "losing yourself for me (Jesus) and the gospel..."

So here are a couple reasons I think it might be a good thing if Christians actually lost their "freedom of speech".

1.  We might actually start living our faith out in an intentional, strategic, "Go and make disciples" kind of way.  Just think about it...if you couldn't talk about your faith for fear of imprisonment, fine, or worse, you'd think and act quite differently.  You'd probably stop believing it's a huge sacrifice to lose a couple hours of sleep on Sunday mornings, to "be blessed" for 59 minutes of Gospel goods and services...your "getting something out of it" desire, "I'm ready for meat" mentality, "they don't have a good children's ministry" mantra, would probably be challenged, if we really took seriously the idea of "what good is it if you gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit your very soul."

2. We might actually be better witnesses of the Gospel.  One of the things we've come to realize over the past several decades in American culture, is that we are living in a post-Christian world...Christendom in America is slowly (if not completely), dying (dead).  It's not the thing to do anymore to just go to church.  It's an intentional act, and sadly, many "non-Christians" know more about what we are against then what we are for...we talk a lot, and it's not always positive and it's not always gracious and it's not always truth.  Instead of living with a missionary mentality, to "Go and Make Disciples" we've often reduced this great mandatory charge to handing someone a pamphlet, wearing a sandwich board, or believing in the great myth to "preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words." (See Romans 10 for more on this)

So what would it look like if we had no rights as Christians?  I think we'd see a far better picture of the church in America, then we see today. We might identify ourselves with our brothers and sisters around the world who are actually living this out, and truly "considering it pure joy" when they face such trials. (http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/9-things-you-should-know-about-persecution-of-christians-in-2013)  One of Jesus great promises as he was nearing death was that, "In this world, we would have trouble...", and I don't think he meant the "trouble" you experience when the barista is super slow at 9:52 on a Sunday morning, which causes you to be late for the 10am service. #sacrificeforthegospel #goodjob

Friends, the Gospel story is about God...the greatest love story ever told.  It's a story that reveals we actually have no rights (see Ephesians 2 on this)...yet in an incredible shift of grace, one day, as full heirs of the Kingdom...we have been given the right to say we belong to God.  This however, it's not a "right" of yours, it's a privilege for sure, not granted by any American court, nor to be taken by one.

So please, by all means, let's give thanks for all the rights as Americans we are entitled too, and not confuse those with rights we think we have as Christians...the two are quite different.  If those rights get taken away, maybe...just maybe, we can rejoice in the opportunity we are given to live in real tangible, sacrificial kind of way.  That we might truly hear Jesus when he says,  "...come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.…"

2 Reasons There is Life AFTER Young Life.

To the 4 people who will actually read this post...let me try to explain why I'm writing it.

I've been involved with Young Life for 25 years.  For almost 10 of those, I was on Young Life staff (affectionately known in YL vernacular as being "on Staff" ie..."I'm on Staff in _____").  It is the GREATEST ministry I have ever been involved in with regard to reaching kids...YL is genius in the way it reaches out to kids who are disinterested in Jesus or the church.  I was one of those kids as a 17 year old senior in high school.  

I got involved as a leader for many of the same reasons other leaders do; our hearts were captured for the mission.  We shed tears in cabin times, laughed uncontrollably around dining hall tables and club rooms, put on countless unsuccessful car-washes, listened and heard the still small voice during all camp quite times.  We loved the mission...and still do.  In fact, I am still a volunteer middle school (Wyldlife) leader today...like I said before, it is the best ministry I know in reaching disinterested kids.

But there is also a side to Young Life that is talked about far too little...it's the burnout, exhaustion and frustration that comes from joining the crazy of contact work, club, campaigners and camp.  We come off the "Best Week of Our Life" only to sprint back to camp follow up, student leadership, fall club kick offs...wondering in January if we can really gear up again.  

I write this post in an attempt to give a voice to all of those folks who absolutely love the ministry of YL (please hear me...I love the mission of YL.  Have I said that enough?) But are one of the hundreds of souls who have been lay to waste, wondering what happened and what's next.  Here are a few reasons why there is life after Young Life.

1.  There is no such thing as a vocational call in the bible.  Many of my friends have and are bound by the guilt of hearing one of their superiors say something to the effect of, "You were called to this ministry." Which is Christianese for saying..."You can't leave or God will be displeased and you will let people down who love you."...this just simply isn't a biblical notion, it's an American Gospel ethos of hard work, commitment and faithfulness that took the idea of one's calling in the Kingdom of God and replaced that with the idea that God has just the right vocation for everyone and until you find where that is, you are running from God.  In other words, when you look at the idea of "being called" in the bible...there is no where that the context means your job, how you pay your bills, or where you volunteer with your time.  If you are tired, exhausted, frustrated with YL...one of two things should happen in your life.  A.) Either change the way you are doing ministry...stop being gone 4-5 nights a week from your family or B.) Perhaps it's time to take a break from the mission you love...YOU ARE NOT THE SAVIOR.  If YL is truly God's mission, then God will reach those kids with or with out you.  Stop believing you are bound by some mystical "call" and that others won't reach out to those kids...it will kill you (literally) and your family.

2.  The Burden is gone...When I announced I was going off of YL staff, the burden was immediately gone.  If you have ever been involved in YL as a volunteer or staff...you know that burden well.  More kids, more leaders, more money, more banquets, more fundraisers, more committee, more contact work, more spots for summer camp, more buses, more kids struggling with sin, more...more...more...more.  Being involved with YL is a lifestyle...and it requires more of you, all the time.  It's one of the reason's YL is so successful, but it's the main reason so many people burn out.  When my friends would ask me about how I felt about going off of YL staff, I would ask them, "You know that burden you are carrying right now?" to which they would smile and laugh agreeably...my response would simply be, "Yeah, that burden is gone."  Please hear me, my burden for those who are not yet a part of the kingdom of God is still among the top reasons I am pastor and volunteer YL leader today...but it's a different burden.  A burden no longer measured by my cashflow, R&E, GPS, donor care, camp spots comparatively to last year's numbers, etc... (YL terms...sorry).  If you have ever heard phrases like, "Nobody is doing what we are doing?", "Nobody is thinking about the city like you are." "You are the most important person in this community." and you believe that, then you simply are not aware of the missional movement around the world today.  Here is a great resource for more info on that; http://www.gocn.org/  The aforementioned phrases are used in the same vein as God's "vocational call" in your life which are at best, simply not true, and at worst, arrogant words to guilt you into action....be free my friend, be free. 

Lastly...let me offer one thought on why you might be burdened more so today in the mission.  As we continue to Reach A World of Kids (RWOK) we are using ministry models like Brian Summeral's Strategy 41 (see info here...http://bsummerall.com/site/Welcome.html).  I have met Brian, gone through two of his training's...he is an awesome guy, and has a tremendous heart for kids and the Lord.  I know this critique may sound harsh...but Brian's model of ministry (IMHO) is not sustainable long term...has anyone ever asked why Brian is no longer leading this type of ministry?  (I just heard you through my monitor..."Well, he's going around now and teaching it so we can reach more kids.")  To which I would argue, I don't think that's the only reason he's no longer doing it.  I'm just not convinced a team can stay healthy in life and implement that type of model long term...yes, they will reach more kids; yes, more kids will come to camp; yes more kids will come to club...but to what expense?  As you just finished this years 14 day camp follow up, helped your student leaders pick out this years school t-shirt, stuffed the school newspaper with YL fliers, began planning for this years Mr. Christmas tree (well you should have began planning already!), started promoting camp for next summer, and more...are you really looking forward to this pace of life for the years to come so we can say to our donors, "We reached 2 million kids!"...and yet, you barely have a family to go home to anymore.

I am all for reaching more kids, seeing live's transformed by the Gospel, and hearing story after story of struggling kids finding their way because of the investment of their loving leader...but I worry, with great sadness that for each kid we reach, there is a volunteer or staff person out there licking their ministry wounds, wondering how in the world they got there and how in the world to do anything about it.  

If this is you...please, ask for help.  Change the way you are doing ministry. Or perhaps for some of you, it may mean taking a break from the mission you love so you can serve in it through out your life and not just the 5-7 year sprint you are in right now.

Thank you for caring enough about kids to want to reach them in the great mission that is Young Life, but please always remember, you are not the savior...

3 Things People Will NEVER Say At Your Funeral!

Our oldest just started middle school this year, and in 7 short years, she'll be moving out (unless she red-shirts a few years in high school) and on to her next adventures (insert here all paternal hopes and unfair expectations for an 11 year old).

Knowing middle school was rearing it's awkward pubescent head in our household and celebrating my last birthday in my 30's this past August (3rd, in case you want to get that on your calendar for next year. #RedRobinisoneofmyfavoriterestaurants), I've been reflecting a ton on life, our future, family, how we are spending our time...things that really matter.

So...in a humble attempt to remind myself (and hopefully, encourage YOU!), here are 3 things that people will never say at your funeral;

1. "I sure wish he/she worked more."  Many of you know I'm a pastor...I officiate weddings, celebrate baptisms and minister at funerals...Sadly (and from a Christian worldview, joyfully), I have been to a lot of funerals...no one has ever stood up and said this.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Whether it was, "I wish my dad/mom was around more.", "He was a workaholic", or "She was never able to do the things she really wanted."  People who go to funerals are saddened not by your inability to go to the office again, but by their deep longing to spend more time with you.  I don't know what your life is like...I have no idea how your family is doing, or how you spend your time...but PEOPLE, please note...no one is going to say they wish you worked more.  If anything, they'll be sad they didn't have more time with you and so will you (Well, actually, you'll be dead...but you get the point).  Be free from the lie that if you start working less, your family will fall apart...if anything, you'll have more time to enjoy them.  What's that you say? "But Rhyan, I can't stop working because I've created a life that costs too much."  If that's the case...un-create it.  Start over...be free from the crazy and start enjoying the people that really matter to you.  They might be out of the house in 7 years.

2.  "I wish he/she had a bigger net worth." Did you know that if Warren Buffet invested his wealth in a savings account at a measly .06% he'd still make more than $34 million a year in just interest (see TIME magazine report on richest Billionaires)...that's a large net worth.  My question to you is; How much is enough? How long do you want to spend building your empire of stuff, when all along the things that matter the most in your life are the people in it, not the things you buy.  A few years ago, my son and I were playing Frisbee golf at a camp for kids in Canada (A Young Life camp called Malibu)...there was a reported Cougar (the animal) sighting that summer, and so we were talking about it as we wandered the forested golf course...about the third hole my son looked at me in deep earnest and asked, "Dad, if a Cougar attacked us, would you die to protect me?"  With out hesitation, I sad, "If I had to...I absolutely would.  I love you bud."  We were silent for a long time as we both pondered the depth of that truth.  Our relationship turned a corner that day in a profundity we had not yet known.  You know what he didn't ask?  He didn't ask,  "Dad, how much money do you make each year?  Will it be enough to provide financially for our family, and our future?"  He doesn't care about my net worth...he cares about our relationship.  At my funeral he won't be talking about my portfolio, it's ROI, or the S&P...he'll be sharing memories of our time together, not giving out investment advice I told him.

3.  "I 'm SO glad we kept that grudge all of these years." One of the hardest things to do is to is to forgive someone who has hurt you...our nature is to protect ourselves and when we get hurt by others,we tend to try and write them off instead of wading through the difficulties of restoration.  Have you ever experienced the freedom that comes with forgiveness?  I guarantee you, it's better than the weight of allowing someone else to live rent free in your head (I'll let that set in for a moment)...Sadly, I have had far too many conversations with people at funerals who say things like, "I wish we could have talked more about ______. I wish we would have forgiven each other. I wish I wouldn't have waited to talk to them...now it's too late."  Friends...please...if there is a relationship that can be healed and your pride is the only thing keeping you from beginning the process of healing...for crying out loud; Make the call. Write the letter. Go to coffee.  You won't be glad you kept that grudge when you go to their funeral.  Last year I spoke at a men's retreat in CO. During one of our times together, I had the men go and write a letter that could begin the process of healing in a broken relationship that they currently had, and I challenged them to send it.  I wish you could have been there to hear the conversations...grown men...far better men than me...crying, because they had never taken the time to ask for forgiveness or were too hurt by someone else to even try.  One man said, "I have some work to do with my son-in-law.", Another said, "I've had a grudge with my sister for 7 years...we haven't spoken, that needs to change."  I hope it does in your life too, my friend.

So the questions remain and the clock is ticking...How are you spending your time?  Perhaps a better question is, "Who are you spending it with?".  What are you living your life for?  To build an empire of temporary stuff or to have an impact on eternity (picture the scene here of Russell Crowe in the movie Gladiator saying, "What you do in this life will echo in eternity!")  Now, turn off your computer AND phone, tell your boss you are going home, go to your kids school today for "pick up" and take them out for ice-cream (or a gluten free snack of your choosing if that's healthier?).  The point is this friends...it matters how you spend your time and your money, and I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss it, and I certainly don't want to look back when it's too late and feel like I wasted my life.  Lastly, reconciliation is one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life and it may not happen fast...but the process to forgiveness and freedom is worth every ounce of the pain it takes to get there.

May you be free...May. You. Be. Free.

What being a Seahawks fan tells us, that Christianity has been saying for centuries!

If you live in the Northwest right now, it's an incredible time to be a Seahawks fan.  The 12th man (Go 12's), Blue Friday, gameday jersey's, defending Superbowl Champs....the atmosphere in the NW around being a Seahawks fan is like, Ralphie getting a Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle for Christmas! (Sorry...movie reference from an Amercian Classic, "A Christmas Story"...I know I just lost a generation of readers.) :)

If you are a 12th man right now, there are some things others outside "the family" just won't understand;

• Like when you are wearing your game day jersey and complete strangers either high-five you, hug you, or say "Go Hawks!" in seemingly random and odd places (grocery store, mall, sidewalk, gas pump, school pick up, public restrooms, etc...)
• Like when you are in a crowded area and someone yells out, "Seeeaaaa...." and you immediately think or yell back, "Haaawwwwkkkssss!"
• Like when you see the 12th man flag waving gloriously from someone's home or car window, and your first instinct is to honk your horn obnoxiously and give them the universal fist pump as if you were sitting front row at a Journey concert together, singing..."Don't Stop Believin'!"
• Like when you routinely say phrases like, "Beast Mode!", "Why not us?", or "He's all about that action..boss!" and others laugh hysterically as if you were saying, "That's what she said..."

So what does any of this have to do with Christianity?  Well...I'm glad you asked!  You see, you are experiencing one of the greatest gifts of the Church...we call it "Community" or "Fellowship"...the biblical word is, Koinonia...it's a deep sense of community, and it's a reminder that we are made for relationship.  Did you hear that, YOU WERE MADE FOR RELATIONSHIP, and as a Seahawk fan you are experiencing the depth of that in wonderful ways.

This is what the church has done for 100's of years...cared for each other, prayed for each other, celebrated with each other, and grieved for/with each other (yes, even greater grief then hearing Hasselback say, "We want the ball...and we're gonna score" and then promptly throwing a playoff ending interception)

For the church, it lives this fellowship/community/relationship out because the love of Christ compels it...for the fan, it does it for their love of the Hawks...the only difference is this, and it's huge...the Seahawk nation will one day fade, but the kindgom of God will forever reign.

Praying you find a true community that lasts more than 16 weeks each fall...because you were made for so much more!

Why the "Favor of God" is killing the theology of Americans and destroying our witness in the world.

So, before you de-friend me on Facebook, can we just for a minute, re-examine our understanding of who God is, and why God's plan does not necessarily equate to receiving the "American Dream" (a great job, family, and prosperity).

There is a whole theology around "prosperity" and God's favor, that is leading to ideas about what God owe's Americans because we are "His Children", and I'm worried it's killing our American witness to the Gospel...and I get it, I've got four kids of my own, and I love "blessing" them, and I "delight" in them, and I absolutely want to give them things, my entire inheritance is theirs...but as I read the scriptures, especially the early church, and look around the world...if the "Favor of God" is about what I get as a consumer, then I've got a bevy of questions;

If the favor of God is about prosperity and blessing...Why do 1 in 5 kids around the world still not have safe water to drink?  Why are 1 in 3 kids still with out adequate shelter?  Why do 22,000 children die PER DAY because of poverty?  Why do well over 1 billion people live on less than $1.25 per day?  Isn't God about "blessing" and "giving"? 

I bet there are thousands of women and children held captive in the atrocity of slavery, just waiting for the "Favor of God" in the same way you proclaimed "God's Favor" shining upon you when the front row parking stall opened up at Forever 21. #Godsfavor  

Because here's the deal friends...God's favor is not about us, it's about God.  If we are blessed, it's so that we can be a blessing to others (maybe a re-reading of Genesis is in order?)  Sorry Joel and Victoria Olsteen...I know you think God is your own personal vending machine, who is just waiting to bless you, like a cosmic Santa Claus, but the truth is we exist for God's glory, God doesn't exist for ours.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00-6OyXVA0M

A few months ago, I came across an article that really challenged this idea for me and I'm worried our Gospel witness will be become compromised, if we think God is only about "blessing" us.  Here's a quote from the article that I found profoundly helpful;

"The truth is, I have no idea why I was born where I was or why I have the opportunity I have. It's beyond comprehension. But I certainly don't believe God has chosen me above others because of the veracity of my prayers or the depth of my faith. Still, if I take advantage of the opportunities set before me, a comfortable life may come my way. It's not guaranteed. But if it does happen, I don't believe Jesus will call me blessed.

He will call me "burdened."

He will ask,

"What will you do with it?"

"Will you use it for yourself?"

"Will you use it to help?"

"Will you hold it close for comfort?"

"Will you share it?"

Here's a link to the article if you'd like to read it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-dannemiller/christians-should-stop-saying_b_4868963.html

Is it possible that our American Dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness has crept into our understanding of the Gospel...if you want to get rich, go for it.  If you want to feel blessed, proclaim it.  If you want others to know you are grateful for who God is in your life...brilliant.  But can we be careful how we make blanket generalizations about how God operates in a broken and hurting world?  People don't need more things or a higher net worth...they need hope. And joy. And purpose....I think Rick Warren said it well in an interview about the purpose of life when he said,

"...God is more interested in your character, than your comfort."

2 Things Kids Really Want From Their Parents...

I married my high school sweetheart (we met in ceramics class #best.class.ever.), and  9 years ago, we moved back to our hometown to raise our kids...

We were intentional about moving back home to be by our family and raise our kids...we described it as choosing a location over a vocation (we literally moved back with no job...we were young-ish and had a dream).  We've tried to be intentional as well about how we raise our kids.  After 20 years of being involved in youth ministry having countless conversations with yutes and parents, we know that kids won't accidentally grow up with healthy habits in their lives and we also know that we live in a broken world that is doing everything it can to create unhealthy habits in them (i.e...media that tells my daughters they aren't right unless they look a certain way, or little league sports that tell my sons they aren't valuable unless they perform well...or peer pressure, selfish desires and more...) so even if we create the healthiest environment we can in our home, there is still a chance one day that they won't grow up to "follow the yellow brick road." (sorry to get that song stuck in your head). :D 

Because of our life stage, we interact with a ton of peeps who are navigating the same rat maze we are in; parents (married and single) who are working hard, who literally have minutes to go from work to shuttling their kids to practice/activities (if they don't have carpool to help), only to rush home and make dinner (and by "make" I mean, pick up Subway), scarf down said "made dinner" only to go back and pick up kids and their friends from previous drop-offs, get home, make lunches for the next day (lunches are made typically in September...Oct-June is mostly hot lunch), do bedtime routines (and by routine I mean...ensuing kid madness of a scene that is equivalent to herding cats in an open field with no fences) and now it's 9:24pm...and parents are asked to "connect".

I have been having so many conversations lately with parents who are becoming increasingly disconnected with their spouses and rising tensions with their kids...and we wonder why. 

I guess I'm writing this to say...What if there was another way?!  What if in the midst of the crazy, we figure out ways to stay connected with our spouses and/or kids...because here's the deal, the two things our kids really want from us might be shocking!!

Last summer I read an interview of Ellen Galinsky, President of Families and Work Institute and author of "Ask the Children." who was reporting on interviews she had with over 1000 children (ages 8-18)...when kids were asked what they wanted most from their parents, the kids said (drum-roll please)...For parents to be;

1. Less Stressed

2. Less Tired

Wow...kids want their parents to be less stressed and less tired.  Is there space in your life to become less stressed and less tired?  How can you create that space?

Maybe instead of living a life we hoped never to create, we could take a collective deep breath, talk with our kids and/or spouses, have a family game night, go for a walk together, play at the park, laugh together...and maybe learn to start saying "No."  Because as the saying goes, the more you say yes to things (activities, sports, committees, etc...) the more you are actually saying no to the things that matter most (family time, dinners around a table, etc...).  

Do you have a date with your spouse on the calendar this week? This month? When is your next family vacation planned? (I don't mean tropical vacation...maybe just a drive in the car with your family to the beach?) or maybe even tonight...SKIP PRACTICE, and take a walk or bike ride and get some ice cream together.  Don't worry, missing one practice or rehearsal isn't going to take away the full-ride scholarship you so long for your child to receive nor will it lead to her rejection of entrance to Julliard.

Slow down and stop the crazy! 

4 Reasons Why Little League Baseball Tells Us More About Adults Than The Kids It Is Meant For...

So...my kids are at the stage of life that is all things sports and activities.  I used to be Rhyan...now, I am "Hannah's Dad" or "Cooper's Dad"...and the truth is, I love it.  I love watching my kids play sports or go to ballet performances and I love being introduced to parents at said games as the aforementioned. But the last couple of years have brought a whole new level of "enjoying" these events...yep, that's right.  I'm talking about little league baseball.

My kids play all sorts of sports (football, basketball, soccer, golf, and ballet...is ballet a sport?), they love it...some of my kids just love to be out there with their friends and some of them love to compete.  In the hundreds of hours we've spent on bleachers and sidelines I've never witnessed intensity like I have from little league baseball and it's not from the kid's desire to win...it's because of the parents.

Here are a 4 reasons why;

1. The bleachers and field are arranged in such a way that you are literally a few feet from your opposing teams families/friends...you can hear every word they say.  Every. Word...it's not like I'm across the field from you. Yep, that's right dad who yells to his son on the pitcher's mound, "This kid ain't nothing...outfielder's scoot in! Strike him out!"  That kid  at the plate you are passive aggressively exasperating...yeah, that's my nephew...he's a good kid, and he's 9 years old, not David Ortiz.  You sound like a member of Cobra Kai from Karate Kid yelling, "Put him in a body bag Johnny!"  Just stop it...seriously...you sound like an idiot!  

2. You are putting more pressure on your kids than they can handle...they hear you...you are a few feet away.  Your son know's he has two strikes and no balls (you yelling at him actually makes him feel like he has no balls of his own either.)  He can hear you say "Come on!", "Seriously!", "Be a man!", "Are you kidding me!"...It's almost like his next swing of the bat echoes in eternity.  It doesn't! In fact, your son is more interested at this point in what the post game snack will be then the score.  Get over yourself...please. 

3. Your yelling is perhaps one of the reasons your son is making errors...want your son to make less errors?  Here's an idea...shut up.  Check out www.zipit.com!  Pretend you are 8 and you have friends...but you aren't sure if your friends like you for you or because you can do things (like catch, hit, make a play).  Now pretend everything you do in life at your age is to receive affirmation for positive things you do.  Yeah...that's an 8 year old.  When they make mistakes on the field...they know it and they aren't taking it lightly, so lay off a bit...you yelling at your son for making such an error is only going to make him more anxious the next time the ball comes his way...and then you know what happens?  Pretty soon, he may not even want to play anymore...the pressure isn't worth it.

4. Lastly...can we stop yelling at the Umpire?  It's little league people...can you start coming with the expectation that the ump is umping (is that a word?) in little league because he/she is not a good ump?  Here's a crazy secret...umps who are good typically don't ump little league.  Are they nice...absolutely!  Are they trying their best...you bet!  But if they were good...you'd probably see them at a higher level with a little more at stake...when you yell at "Blue"...it doesn't bode well as an example for your kids to follow.

I'm grateful for little league baseball...it is so fun watching these little peeps have fun, laugh, learn from adversity...but parents, come on...it's little league, you aren't going to lose your house if your son strikes out or makes an error.  Maybe instead of yelling you can just say, "Great job son/daughter...I love watching you play!!"

"God is in control" and other Christian cuss words...

For the past 20 years, I had the privilege of working (on staff and as a volunteer) with an incredible organization called, Young Life.  I have had countless conversations with kids and adults through those years around the idea that there might be a God, who cares, who loves, who redeems, who wants a relationship with the humanity God created...I didn't grow up in the church, and had very few questions about this God.

In fact the year I began my journey of faith was a great year...I was crowned homecoming king at my high school, started dating my future wife (marriage is easy, just read my other post, "The night I wanted to divorce my wife and why 4 years later, I'm so glad I didn't!") #enteremoticonhere, and my peers voted me "Most Romantic" (I borrowed Brian Fontana's Sex Panther cologne...which 60% of the time works everytime) #moreanchormanquotes AND I was even voted "Best Smile".  Life was good...on the outside.

On the inside I was a mess (and mostly still am)...but it was in and through my (continual) understanding of who this God was and is that I began to put the pieces together of what life is really about...I discovered life that is really life.

One of the hardest things about having a relationship with God is reconciling the age old question, "If God is good and all powerful...how come there is so much evil in the world?" (in theology, this is called "Theodicy").

To those of you reading this (now that you have made it past my reminiscent narcissism) who don't "believe in God" or aren't quite sure what you believe...I want to apologize on behalf of the hundreds (perhaps thousands) of Christians who have said phrases to you like "God is in control", "There is a reason for everything...", etc...in an attempt to comfort you, but in reality felt more like they were cussing at you or that they had just raked their nails on the proverbial chalkboard.

What they are trying to say to you when they say "God is in control" is..."I care about you, I love you...and I don't know why you are going through this, but I think I know someone who does."  

This side of the holocausts of history, 9/11, sex trafficking around the globe and other like atrocities...it is hard to make sense of a benevolent God who is seemingly anything but, "in control".

I wish Theology was neat and tidy...but the truth is, it's quite messy.  Karl Barth said that all Theology is "broken thought".  My seminary President told my incoming classmates and I that in the reception of our graduate degrees we will realize not only do we not have all of the answers, but we won't even know all of the questions.  Does this make God any less God?

I don't think so, I think it makes me and us, less God...and that is a good thing.

What I do know is that we live in a broken world, a world that was not God's original intent...when I start there, it at least gives me a few footholds to brace myself upon when I think about the tragedies I've faced in my own life (ie...child of divorced parents, death of my best friend in 7th grade, and even just 2 years ago as my dad was murdered...beaten to death) or look around at the constant cruelty in our world.

I wanted to write this post for a couple reasons...

• I wanted to apologize to those of you who have been frustrated with statements about God that seem to reduce your experiences of pain to fatalistic philosophic statements instead of REAL, and DEEP grief.

• I also wanted to write this to ask; Can we (the church) stop positing such statements in the midst of people's pain like a "mic drop" at an Eminem concert? The certainty of said "mic drop" can come across in a way that is anything but helpful.  I'll never forget the time someone belittled my dad's murder by comparing it to their own experience of grief.  Maybe start with saying, "I am so sorry...I love you" and then in the silence of your presence through the weeks and years ahead, maybe...just maybe you'll see the fingerprints of what God is or might be doing?

As a pastor...I truly believe in a God of loving grace who is absolutely in control.  But this "control" that we profess on God's behalf, is an understanding that leads to peace and hope, and frees us from anxiety or fear, not a certainty that God is maneuvering the world like a cosmic puppet-master...so be careful how you use that phrase, "God is in Control".

For in the words of the great theologian, Inigo Montoyo..."I do not think it means what you think it means."