Why the "Favor of God" is killing the theology of Americans and destroying our witness in the world.

So, before you de-friend me on Facebook, can we just for a minute, re-examine our understanding of who God is, and why God's plan does not necessarily equate to receiving the "American Dream" (a great job, family, and prosperity).

There is a whole theology around "prosperity" and God's favor, that is leading to ideas about what God owe's Americans because we are "His Children", and I'm worried it's killing our American witness to the Gospel...and I get it, I've got four kids of my own, and I love "blessing" them, and I "delight" in them, and I absolutely want to give them things, my entire inheritance is theirs...but as I read the scriptures, especially the early church, and look around the world...if the "Favor of God" is about what I get as a consumer, then I've got a bevy of questions;

If the favor of God is about prosperity and blessing...Why do 1 in 5 kids around the world still not have safe water to drink?  Why are 1 in 3 kids still with out adequate shelter?  Why do 22,000 children die PER DAY because of poverty?  Why do well over 1 billion people live on less than $1.25 per day?  Isn't God about "blessing" and "giving"? 

I bet there are thousands of women and children held captive in the atrocity of slavery, just waiting for the "Favor of God" in the same way you proclaimed "God's Favor" shining upon you when the front row parking stall opened up at Forever 21. #Godsfavor  

Because here's the deal friends...God's favor is not about us, it's about God.  If we are blessed, it's so that we can be a blessing to others (maybe a re-reading of Genesis is in order?)  Sorry Joel and Victoria Olsteen...I know you think God is your own personal vending machine, who is just waiting to bless you, like a cosmic Santa Claus, but the truth is we exist for God's glory, God doesn't exist for ours.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00-6OyXVA0M

A few months ago, I came across an article that really challenged this idea for me and I'm worried our Gospel witness will be become compromised, if we think God is only about "blessing" us.  Here's a quote from the article that I found profoundly helpful;

"The truth is, I have no idea why I was born where I was or why I have the opportunity I have. It's beyond comprehension. But I certainly don't believe God has chosen me above others because of the veracity of my prayers or the depth of my faith. Still, if I take advantage of the opportunities set before me, a comfortable life may come my way. It's not guaranteed. But if it does happen, I don't believe Jesus will call me blessed.

He will call me "burdened."

He will ask,

"What will you do with it?"

"Will you use it for yourself?"

"Will you use it to help?"

"Will you hold it close for comfort?"

"Will you share it?"

Here's a link to the article if you'd like to read it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-dannemiller/christians-should-stop-saying_b_4868963.html

Is it possible that our American Dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness has crept into our understanding of the Gospel...if you want to get rich, go for it.  If you want to feel blessed, proclaim it.  If you want others to know you are grateful for who God is in your life...brilliant.  But can we be careful how we make blanket generalizations about how God operates in a broken and hurting world?  People don't need more things or a higher net worth...they need hope. And joy. And purpose....I think Rick Warren said it well in an interview about the purpose of life when he said,

"...God is more interested in your character, than your comfort."

2 Things Kids Really Want From Their Parents...

I married my high school sweetheart (we met in ceramics class #best.class.ever.), and  9 years ago, we moved back to our hometown to raise our kids...

We were intentional about moving back home to be by our family and raise our kids...we described it as choosing a location over a vocation (we literally moved back with no job...we were young-ish and had a dream).  We've tried to be intentional as well about how we raise our kids.  After 20 years of being involved in youth ministry having countless conversations with yutes and parents, we know that kids won't accidentally grow up with healthy habits in their lives and we also know that we live in a broken world that is doing everything it can to create unhealthy habits in them (i.e...media that tells my daughters they aren't right unless they look a certain way, or little league sports that tell my sons they aren't valuable unless they perform well...or peer pressure, selfish desires and more...) so even if we create the healthiest environment we can in our home, there is still a chance one day that they won't grow up to "follow the yellow brick road." (sorry to get that song stuck in your head). :D 

Because of our life stage, we interact with a ton of peeps who are navigating the same rat maze we are in; parents (married and single) who are working hard, who literally have minutes to go from work to shuttling their kids to practice/activities (if they don't have carpool to help), only to rush home and make dinner (and by "make" I mean, pick up Subway), scarf down said "made dinner" only to go back and pick up kids and their friends from previous drop-offs, get home, make lunches for the next day (lunches are made typically in September...Oct-June is mostly hot lunch), do bedtime routines (and by routine I mean...ensuing kid madness of a scene that is equivalent to herding cats in an open field with no fences) and now it's 9:24pm...and parents are asked to "connect".

I have been having so many conversations lately with parents who are becoming increasingly disconnected with their spouses and rising tensions with their kids...and we wonder why. 

I guess I'm writing this to say...What if there was another way?!  What if in the midst of the crazy, we figure out ways to stay connected with our spouses and/or kids...because here's the deal, the two things our kids really want from us might be shocking!!

Last summer I read an interview of Ellen Galinsky, President of Families and Work Institute and author of "Ask the Children." who was reporting on interviews she had with over 1000 children (ages 8-18)...when kids were asked what they wanted most from their parents, the kids said (drum-roll please)...For parents to be;

1. Less Stressed

2. Less Tired

Wow...kids want their parents to be less stressed and less tired.  Is there space in your life to become less stressed and less tired?  How can you create that space?

Maybe instead of living a life we hoped never to create, we could take a collective deep breath, talk with our kids and/or spouses, have a family game night, go for a walk together, play at the park, laugh together...and maybe learn to start saying "No."  Because as the saying goes, the more you say yes to things (activities, sports, committees, etc...) the more you are actually saying no to the things that matter most (family time, dinners around a table, etc...).  

Do you have a date with your spouse on the calendar this week? This month? When is your next family vacation planned? (I don't mean tropical vacation...maybe just a drive in the car with your family to the beach?) or maybe even tonight...SKIP PRACTICE, and take a walk or bike ride and get some ice cream together.  Don't worry, missing one practice or rehearsal isn't going to take away the full-ride scholarship you so long for your child to receive nor will it lead to her rejection of entrance to Julliard.

Slow down and stop the crazy! 

4 Reasons Why Little League Baseball Tells Us More About Adults Than The Kids It Is Meant For...

So...my kids are at the stage of life that is all things sports and activities.  I used to be Rhyan...now, I am "Hannah's Dad" or "Cooper's Dad"...and the truth is, I love it.  I love watching my kids play sports or go to ballet performances and I love being introduced to parents at said games as the aforementioned. But the last couple of years have brought a whole new level of "enjoying" these events...yep, that's right.  I'm talking about little league baseball.

My kids play all sorts of sports (football, basketball, soccer, golf, and ballet...is ballet a sport?), they love it...some of my kids just love to be out there with their friends and some of them love to compete.  In the hundreds of hours we've spent on bleachers and sidelines I've never witnessed intensity like I have from little league baseball and it's not from the kid's desire to win...it's because of the parents.

Here are a 4 reasons why;

1. The bleachers and field are arranged in such a way that you are literally a few feet from your opposing teams families/friends...you can hear every word they say.  Every. Word...it's not like I'm across the field from you. Yep, that's right dad who yells to his son on the pitcher's mound, "This kid ain't nothing...outfielder's scoot in! Strike him out!"  That kid  at the plate you are passive aggressively exasperating...yeah, that's my nephew...he's a good kid, and he's 9 years old, not David Ortiz.  You sound like a member of Cobra Kai from Karate Kid yelling, "Put him in a body bag Johnny!"  Just stop it...seriously...you sound like an idiot!  

2. You are putting more pressure on your kids than they can handle...they hear you...you are a few feet away.  Your son know's he has two strikes and no balls (you yelling at him actually makes him feel like he has no balls of his own either.)  He can hear you say "Come on!", "Seriously!", "Be a man!", "Are you kidding me!"...It's almost like his next swing of the bat echoes in eternity.  It doesn't! In fact, your son is more interested at this point in what the post game snack will be then the score.  Get over yourself...please. 

3. Your yelling is perhaps one of the reasons your son is making errors...want your son to make less errors?  Here's an idea...shut up.  Check out www.zipit.com!  Pretend you are 8 and you have friends...but you aren't sure if your friends like you for you or because you can do things (like catch, hit, make a play).  Now pretend everything you do in life at your age is to receive affirmation for positive things you do.  Yeah...that's an 8 year old.  When they make mistakes on the field...they know it and they aren't taking it lightly, so lay off a bit...you yelling at your son for making such an error is only going to make him more anxious the next time the ball comes his way...and then you know what happens?  Pretty soon, he may not even want to play anymore...the pressure isn't worth it.

4. Lastly...can we stop yelling at the Umpire?  It's little league people...can you start coming with the expectation that the ump is umping (is that a word?) in little league because he/she is not a good ump?  Here's a crazy secret...umps who are good typically don't ump little league.  Are they nice...absolutely!  Are they trying their best...you bet!  But if they were good...you'd probably see them at a higher level with a little more at stake...when you yell at "Blue"...it doesn't bode well as an example for your kids to follow.

I'm grateful for little league baseball...it is so fun watching these little peeps have fun, laugh, learn from adversity...but parents, come on...it's little league, you aren't going to lose your house if your son strikes out or makes an error.  Maybe instead of yelling you can just say, "Great job son/daughter...I love watching you play!!"

"God is in control" and other Christian cuss words...

For the past 20 years, I had the privilege of working (on staff and as a volunteer) with an incredible organization called, Young Life.  I have had countless conversations with kids and adults through those years around the idea that there might be a God, who cares, who loves, who redeems, who wants a relationship with the humanity God created...I didn't grow up in the church, and had very few questions about this God.

In fact the year I began my journey of faith was a great year...I was crowned homecoming king at my high school, started dating my future wife (marriage is easy, just read my other post, "The night I wanted to divorce my wife and why 4 years later, I'm so glad I didn't!") #enteremoticonhere, and my peers voted me "Most Romantic" (I borrowed Brian Fontana's Sex Panther cologne...which 60% of the time works everytime) #moreanchormanquotes AND I was even voted "Best Smile".  Life was good...on the outside.

On the inside I was a mess (and mostly still am)...but it was in and through my (continual) understanding of who this God was and is that I began to put the pieces together of what life is really about...I discovered life that is really life.

One of the hardest things about having a relationship with God is reconciling the age old question, "If God is good and all powerful...how come there is so much evil in the world?" (in theology, this is called "Theodicy").

To those of you reading this (now that you have made it past my reminiscent narcissism) who don't "believe in God" or aren't quite sure what you believe...I want to apologize on behalf of the hundreds (perhaps thousands) of Christians who have said phrases to you like "God is in control", "There is a reason for everything...", etc...in an attempt to comfort you, but in reality felt more like they were cussing at you or that they had just raked their nails on the proverbial chalkboard.

What they are trying to say to you when they say "God is in control" is..."I care about you, I love you...and I don't know why you are going through this, but I think I know someone who does."  

This side of the holocausts of history, 9/11, sex trafficking around the globe and other like atrocities...it is hard to make sense of a benevolent God who is seemingly anything but, "in control".

I wish Theology was neat and tidy...but the truth is, it's quite messy.  Karl Barth said that all Theology is "broken thought".  My seminary President told my incoming classmates and I that in the reception of our graduate degrees we will realize not only do we not have all of the answers, but we won't even know all of the questions.  Does this make God any less God?

I don't think so, I think it makes me and us, less God...and that is a good thing.

What I do know is that we live in a broken world, a world that was not God's original intent...when I start there, it at least gives me a few footholds to brace myself upon when I think about the tragedies I've faced in my own life (ie...child of divorced parents, death of my best friend in 7th grade, and even just 2 years ago as my dad was murdered...beaten to death) or look around at the constant cruelty in our world.

I wanted to write this post for a couple reasons...

• I wanted to apologize to those of you who have been frustrated with statements about God that seem to reduce your experiences of pain to fatalistic philosophic statements instead of REAL, and DEEP grief.

• I also wanted to write this to ask; Can we (the church) stop positing such statements in the midst of people's pain like a "mic drop" at an Eminem concert? The certainty of said "mic drop" can come across in a way that is anything but helpful.  I'll never forget the time someone belittled my dad's murder by comparing it to their own experience of grief.  Maybe start with saying, "I am so sorry...I love you" and then in the silence of your presence through the weeks and years ahead, maybe...just maybe you'll see the fingerprints of what God is or might be doing?

As a pastor...I truly believe in a God of loving grace who is absolutely in control.  But this "control" that we profess on God's behalf, is an understanding that leads to peace and hope, and frees us from anxiety or fear, not a certainty that God is maneuvering the world like a cosmic puppet-master...so be careful how you use that phrase, "God is in Control".

For in the words of the great theologian, Inigo Montoyo..."I do not think it means what you think it means." 

  

The night I wanted to divorce my wife and why 4 years later, I'm so glad I didn't!

It seems like it was just yesterday...I remember leaving the house to go see a movie with a friend.  My wife and I had just been in another fight (yes, about the same things...over....and...over....and...over again.  The same fight we'd been having for 11 years.)  I got in the car (visually frustrated), my friend asked if I was okay...then those words came out of my mouth. "I want a divorce!" (My friend told me later it was the worst movie he'd ever seen because all he was thinking about was my dissolving marriage that was facing doom).

I couldn't believe we had gotten there...12 years earlier, I was getting ready to marry "my best friend", "my soul mate"...now, I felt like Ron Burgandy after Veronica Corningstone told him he had bad hair (sorry for the Anchorman reference.)  How did the love of my life become my enemy?

To add insult to injury...I was a youth pastor, and I helped families navigate these types of things for crying out loud!  People were coming to me for advice on marriage and how to raise great kids.  I was a business man in the community, we owned two coffee shops and I would get asked to speaking engagements to talk about the balance of a healthy life (God, family, and work)...I was a hero everywhere else except my home.

It's been 4 years since that night...I was failing at the one thing I publicly vowed, I wouldn't fail at.  I write this, because I have had countless conversations with couples who have been there or sadly who are there and don't know what to do, they are stuck...I write this to say, ITS NEVER TO LATE TO RECONCILE!!  I write this to say, THERE'S HOPE...YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT! I do realize not every relationship or circumstance is the same...in the previous sentence, I'm not referring to any situation of abuse.  I'm speaking to couples who have, "grown apart", become "hard hearted", don't like each other anymore, are holding grudges, who think the grass is greener on the other side, etc...

I am so glad we worked toward reconciling our differences...our marriage is better now then it's ever been...we actually like each other and I am so grateful, we have worked at working it through.  Along the way we've learned a ton...here are a few things that have been helpful for us...perhaps they will be for you? (or your "friend" who needs help...) :D

1. One of my favorite writers is a pastor named Tim Keller (#mancrush). He wrote a tremendous article on marriage called, "You never marry the right person."  Here's the link to it;

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person

The idea that there is a perfect soul mate out there that will meet all of your needs is ludicrous.  You are selfish and prideful and so is your spouse...when you can admit that, I think that is a good starting point to work through your frustrations with each other.  You want the grass to start being greener...then start working on your own lawn, not coveting your neighbors.  There is just no such thing as a perfect marriage.

2.  Focus on your strengths.  What do you like about each other.  One of the things I started doing when we'd get in a fight (although sometimes the timing isn't helpful), is I'd ask, "Well...what do you like about me?"  The truth is, you got married to your spouse for a reason...remember that?  Do you remember that one time when you actually liked your spouse? :D  That one time, when you guys would actually laugh with each other, go on walks, play cards, go to movies, concerts, or make out with passion?  Remember those days?!  One of the things you can do to rekindle that is to FOCUS ON YOUR STRENGTHS...not spend hours reminding each other of what you suck at.  So tonight...tell each other, 5 things you really like about each other.  You'll be glad you did.

3.  Don't let your heart get hard. My heart was getting hard toward my wife...I got to a point that, "I didn't care." and nothing anyone would say mattered.  I knew I had made vows, I knew that I was a pastor who was supposed to lead by example, we had 4 kids together...but I didn't care. My heart was hard!  Please friends, don't let your heart grow hard...and if it is, there is still hope...figure out a way to let it soften (hint; it won't soften if your spouse changes to the way you want them to change...your hard heart hasn't grown that way because of your spouse, it's grown that way because you are selfish and prideful and no one will ever perfectly meet all of your needs...go re-read the article in number 1 above...so get over yourself and let your heart grow soft again toward your spouse.)  When couples come to me who are nearing divorce...one of them typically has a hard heart, and the other one is desperately hoping that this "counseling" appointment will work.  Two things I've noted over the years...the first, is that the person with the hard heart is only coming to see me so they can say, "I tried counseling, but it didn't work!"  Truth is, that person doesn't want counseling, they want to check a box to tell the divorce court they tried and now have irreconcilable differences.  The second thing I've noted over the years is that marriages don't typically end because of one event...they typically end because of 1000's of emotional paper cuts, year after year, after year...once the heart gets hard, it's difficult to let it soften...but it can soften, there is always hope!!

4.  Submit to each other.  In all of the weddings I officiate and pre-marriage counseling sessions I have with couples, this is one of the first things I tell them...be sure you are submitting to each other.  Do you care as much about your spouses needs and wants as you do your own?  For some reason, the idea that only wives are to submit to their husbands has become the biggest load of crapajawea (yep, made that word up) I have ever heard...if you are a bible reader, look it up.  The verse right before that verse is, "Submit, one to another..."  Some other words for submit (because Americans hate the word submit) are; comply, accept, yield, consent.  But it has to be mutual, if it's not mutual, then you don't have a partner and it will take both of you to reconcile your hurts...do we care for our spouse as much as we care about ourselves?

5. Go to a marriage conference, get a vacation on the calendar...Do something, where you can get away and work on your marriage, JUST THE TWO OF YOU! Take a long car ride, borrow a friends cabin...Like I said in number 3 above, you are probably experiencing the results of 1000's of paper cuts over several months and years...it's going to take some time to heal your hurts/pains/anger toward each other and it won't happen over night...I'm not sure the marriage conference or the vacation will be the one thing that renews your marriage, but it sure is a start...so what are you waiting for? Get something on the calendar where you can get away and be together with no distractions (yes, this means you may have to give up some social media for a few hours, but you can do it...you will survive 48 hours without social media!) Your marriage is worth it.

We are a few days away from Easter...it's a day of celebrating the resurrection of Jesus (that's a whole other post)...my hope for you is that you will find resurrection in your marriage.  It's never too late to reconcile, there's hope...you can get through it.  It takes work...but it's worth it.

3 Reasons the death of the Presbyterian Church is a good thing.

To be clear, I am referring particularly to the Presbyterian Church USA, to which I am an ordained minister in.  And to qualify my comments, let me start by saying I have no desire to leave the denomination...I am simply tired of hearing how it "grieves the Lord" that churches are leaving the denomination.  So in a humble attempt to respond to like statements, here are 3 reasons I actually think it's a good thing our denomination is dying;

1. "There are no denominations in heaven."

I remember hearing this statement as a new follower of Christ and even in my years of studying Greek and Hebrew at seminary...this statements seems to hold true biblically.  I have yet to find the denominational idea in the scriptures.  While there are many good reasons for denominations (polity, theology and accountability to name a few), arguing for the survival of a denomination is not a biblical argument...it's a theological one at best, but in many cases it has become a sentimental one ("I have been Presbyterian all my life")...that is frightening to me, and telling.

2. Because the Presbyterian church is not the same as the Kingdom of God.

I am actively involved in my Presbytery (or at least I was until my Committee on Ministry reads this post), I sit on two committees (I can just hear the excitement exuding as both the people who read this think about what it means to be on a committee) and I am a Synod Commissioner (which is about as popular as David Hasselhoff's music career in the U.S...important to a few but not to most).  Let's just stop for a second and realize our arrogance when we argue for the survival of our denomination and demonize our brothers and sisters who are seeking dismissal.  Our denomination IS dying...let's be more excited about the kingdom of God than trying to penalize our friends for trying to leave.  Do we really want our epitath to read, "The smallest denomination with the largest endowment!" (To my non Presbyterian friends reading this...the statement has to do with churches leaving the denomination and being financially penalized, sometimes for millions of dollars in order to do so).  So, let's be excited for them in their desire to live out what they see as a more biblically accurate picture of what it means to be the church...every church and every denomination has to make a decision on how they interpret and live out their understanding of the scriptures.  This is done corporately and individually and for 2 millennium the Church (Big C church not little c church/denomination) has been articulating these interpretations through confessions (see Apostles Creed, Nicene Creed, Westminster, etc....) so that the Church's witness might be lived out in orthopraxis and orthodoxy. (sorry if I lost you there)  My point is this...if churches want to attempt that "correct practice" and "correct theology" in a denomination other than the PC USA...let's be excited for that to happen because if it's really from God, then we will not be able to stop it, we will only be fighting against God (that's in the bible).  When the Son of Man comes in glory it appears he won't be separating sheep and goats by checking our membership certificates.

3.  So we can get back to Mission.

Our denomination is not dying because churches are leaving...our denomination is dying because we have forgotten our ecclesial vocation...to be the sent people of God, because our witness to the world matters.  We are spending more time arguing for why people should stay, and how much money churches should pay in order to leave, than we are trying to equip congregations to live out our vocation as the Church.  Let's focus on witness and mission to the world around us...your church won't die because of where your brother or sister in Christ decides to transfer his/her membership.  Your church will die, if you don't start building relationships with your neighbors.

In our last Presbytery meeting someone said, "We need to figure out how to stop churches from leaving!"...no Sir, no we do not...we need to start figuring out how to be the Church.

Why pornography is NOT harmless...

In the 20 years I've been working with youth and families, I have had countless conversations about internet pornography and it's hold on people's lives.  One of the biggest problems seems to be the fact that we aren't talking about it with our kids or each other and that scares the hell out of me.

Especially as a father of four young kids, who I know are just clicks away from entering  a world I pray they will never enter...but I know better.  Even if in the slight chance they are able to navigate their adolescents without ever clicking on to a pornographic website (which is about the same likelihood they have of catching a fart in the wind), I know they will be exposed by the seemingly innocent pornographic pictures circulating their friends smartphones who will say, "Hey, look at this!" or by mistakenly (or purposefully) clicking on a Vines video (or any myriad of other online "harmless" sites) of said nature.

Don't believe me that it's an issue?  PLEASE READ the article that I've attached to this post...my wife and I just read it and I am now praying for ways I can talk about it well with my kids.  Which, drum-roll please...is perhaps a start...just having the conversation.

It's more than the idea that boys and men are merely perverted in our thought life...science is doing more each year to reveal the fact that pornography is truly the drug of the new millennium.  "The Drug of the New Millennium." by Mark B. Kastleman.

PLEASE READ THIS ARTICLE and then get ready to talk about it with your kids...ask questions, know what they are looking at online...until there is no more demand, the supply of pornography will continue.  Perhaps in our lifetime, we can begin to take action...because pornography is NOT harmless.

 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2135203/Jamie-13-kissed-girl-But-hes-Sex-Offender-Register-online-porn-warped-mind-.html