2 Words That Might Be Crushing Your Marriage

In truth...the two words I'll offer as the "crushers" of your marriage are most likely not the thing hurting it.  The root of why we use these words is really the thing to address...the disconnect we have with our spouse is the real fire we need to extinguish. These words are just the gasoline we pour on an already smoldering mess.

In a previous Blog on marriage I wrote that when couples come to me for marriage counseling and are near divorce, it's RARELY because of one instance or event...typically, folks I talk to want to divorce because of 1000's of emotional paper cuts, year, after year, after year...and these two words are part of the reason you feel so helpless.  Are you ready for them? Drum roll, please....

"Always" and "Never"...these are two words that you need to stop saying to your spouse.  Yes, it's true sometimes one partner in the relationship does more around the house, or the yard, or with the kids, or does most of the shopping, or wants to have sex less than the other, or add any number of things that frustrate you about your spouse but to say to them in the heat of your frustration (not that Kari and I have ever said these to each other) :) that;

"You never help with the kids..."
"You always leave your dishes in the sink..."
"You never want to make love anymore..."
"I always do everything ("everything" is the cousin to never and always) around the house..."
"You never support me in what I want to do..."
"It's always a mess whenever we get together with your side of the family..."

Two things about these statements:

1. If you are already disconnected with your spouse, try using one of these statements and your spouse will immediately do the very thing you say he/she never does or stop the behavior you say they always do...you know why? So they can make the statement false AND add it to the horde of arsenal to pepper you with in your next fight.

2. It's just not true...it may feel like you are carrying the weight in an area of your relationship and that you do far more in an area (cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, outside yard work...) than your spouse, but to say they "never" or "always" is simply false. (sadly, some of you are saying right now, "No, Rhyan...He/She "never" helps") You are missing the point, my friend...

The goal in your marriage is not "winning" (although Charlie Sheen may disagree, #winning)  The goal is constant growth in all the ways you publicly made vows to each other on your wedding day.  I know that thriving in your marriage is tough...especially when it feels like you are barely surviving.  But I guarantee you, if you talk to each other with these definitive statements, it won't get better...your spouse will most likely resort to just proving you wrong, and the cycle continues...

Step 1. You get mad. Step 2. You say an "always/never statement. Step 3. They work to prove you wrong. Step 4. They keep tabs of things you do so when you come back with your "always/never" again, they can shove it in your face with all the ways your wrong.  This is not marriage, this is middle school.

So here is one idea for you to consider as you are frustrated and trying to figure out how to approach things that frustrate you with your spouse.

Never (see what I did there), try to correct/challenge/address something you are frustrated about when you and your spouse are disconnected.  Do we really think we are in a good space to work on our differences when we are already disconnected? (this is the case in parenting too...but I'll save that for another blog).  Ask your spouse if you can talk later about something that is frustrating you...give them the permission to set the time/date to work it through.  If it goes south while you are "working" on it (aka...fighting), take a time-out...again, the goal is not winning, the goal is growing, thriving, flourishing, for the long haul.

Kari and I had to make a rule...we realized that the majority of the times we fought after 9pm, it would not end well.  You know what we did?  We stopped working on things that frustrated us after 9pm...which is hard, because it's often the only time that we really saw each other after getting home from work, driving kids to and fro with their activities, dinner, homework, bedtime routines, etc...but if we fight after 9pm, it most likely will end poorly because, we are tired, we most likely haven't connected much for the day, and so we often say, "When would be a good time for us to talk about this?" and we set the date.  The trick will be to consider this a good thing, not acting like a frustrated 12 year old toward your spouse until you finally talk it through.

Lastly, here are some phrases that you might try instead as you embrace and look each other in the eyes..."We are on the same team!", "I am sorry.", "I love you very much.", "I want to keep working on this.", "I don't wake up in the morning thinking of ways I can frustrate you."

Keep going my friends...it's worth it...you are one the same team!!

Talking To Your White Kids About Race and Privilege In America

I've been super hesitant to write about this topic for a number of reasons.  I'm white. I live in suburban America.  In this blog, I've loved talking about marriage and raising kids...but race conversations are difficult,  I wonder often if I have any real ability to add anything helpful to the conversation...because of my aforementioned biological and demographic disposition.  But as my Facebook feed is blowing up on this topic from friends of mine on all sides...a few things just continue to grieve me;

1. I am the father of 4 little kids, who right now, love everyone and everything...they have no fear of others with regard to race, ethnicity, social status or other...and their only opinion right now on race relations is that not everyone has the same skin color. They will most likely grow up where the majority of their relationships are with other white kids...their social interactions will be predominately with other white kids and they, like me and their mom...will have little to no understanding of what white privilege in America is really like, because we are subjective white suburbans...and we don't even realize such a thing exists.  And this is part of the problem...we don't get it.  We don't face the same trials that our American brothers and sisters of color face on a daily basis.  There is a great article that highlights this disparity.  Here is the link if you are interested...

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2014/08/self-segregation-why-its-hard-for-whites-to-understand-ferguson/378928/

Two lines stood out to me...

"Clearly white Americans see the broader significance of Michael Brown’s death through radically different lenses than black Americans. There are myriad reasons for this divergence, from political ideologies—which, for example, place different emphases on law and order versus citizens’ rights—to fears based in racist stereotypes of young black men. But the chief obstacle to having an intelligent, or even intelligible, conversation across the racial divide is that on average white Americans live in communities that face far fewer problems and talk mostly to other white people."

The other brings me to tears as I think of what it would be like to parent my children in these ways...

"Jonathan Capehart’s Washington Post column after the Brown shooting contained a personal and poignant account of his mother’s lessons to him as a young black man:

How I shouldn’t run in public, lest I arouse undue suspicion. How I most definitely should not run with anything in my hands, lest anyone think I stole something. The lesson included not talking back to the police, lest you give them a reason to take you to jail—or worse. And I was taught to never, ever leave home without identification."

2. It's easy to look at the "facts of case", as people are saying...and make statements around why this is just another example of "a man" who attacked a police officer, who wouldn't surrender, who was a violent criminal, who got shot by a police officer who was fighting for his life...here are some of those "facts" as noted by the Washington Post;

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2014/11/25/get-completely-caught-up-on-whats-happened-in-ferguson/#shooting

It's easy to talk about other cases of inequalities for whites.  It's easy to use examples of blacks killing white's.  It's easy to make these comments about this being nothing about race...it's easy...especially if you are white.  This again, is part of the problem...we (forgive me for speaking in general on behalf of white Americans), are not listening.  The Ferguson protests, riots, looting and more are the collective voice of tired souls crying..."Mercy! When will it end?"  Ferguson highlights once again the continue distrust between police and minorities...and a cry from many asking, "Will anyone do anything about it?"

So what will we do?  

• I hope we will work on listening...I want to hear more about what it means to be a "person of color" in America and how that shapes ones daily interactions in life.  I want to know what I can do to help...because I know that I have a lot to learn.

• I want to talk to my kids all the time about how their worldviews shape the way they care for others regardless of their race/ethnicity/other.  Maybe in the generations to come (praying it will come sooner)...we'll see the mercy that Ferguson is calling for. 

• I also want us to work hard at not growing calloused toward one another. I have shared this before, as a status post on my FB profile but I think it's worth saying again...When my dad was murdered, I thanked God for the hard work and perseverance of the officers who investigated and solved the case...and I am still grateful today, more than they know. I am praying for police officers around the country, for tirelessly providing safety, security and peace, so I can sit at my computer and post things on Facebook, while they literally put their life on the line every day for me and my family...and I'm praying for those police officers who have become calloused because of a broken and brutal world...may they care again. Thank you, to all who serve.

This Youtube video link is worth the 3 minute perspective on how hard it must be to serve in situations I'll never understand.  "That is why I love them, that is why I grieve them."...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTKxOXAhYAM

Lord in your mercy...hear our prayers! 

2 Reasons Why We Don't Let Our Kids Have Their Own Room

Raising kids has become one of the greatest joys and greatest struggles of our marriage.  Many of you know, Kari and I have 4 kids, all age 11 and under.  We have so loved seeing each of them become such unique, fun, and challenging little people.

You may have noticed I used the word "become" because, when our kids were all under six years old, every time someone would say to us, “Enjoy it, it sure goes by fast!”...I would throw up a little in my mouth.  “Enjoying” chasing, changing diapers, cleaning up several times a day, making meals, wiping noses and behinds is a bit of an oxymoron, all the while feeling like Bill Murray in the movie Groundhog Day, living the same day, over and over again…the monotony was sometimes painful. While parenting toddlers can be tremendous...it can also often feel like survival on so many levels.

Hindsight is 20/20 for sure...looking back on those times, there is much I miss.

When our kids got to the age of "needing" their own room, we made an intentional decision to have our kids share one bedroom.  Over the past several years, I've had a lot of conversations about this with folks, wondering how/what/why we would do this and so I thought I'd take a few moments to share what we have found to be helpful in this decision.

First though...let me qualify it (a ton). :)  This idea is obviously not for everyone...I think you could easily write a blog about why it's important to give every child their "space" in your home, and I get that.  If this is you, bravo...I am in no way challenging your parenting choices nor trying to brag of ours.  This past year as I've written a few blog posts on marriage, I've realized how much people are longing to join the conversation (almost 10,000 visits to this blog) in how to flourish in their marriage and in their parenting...so, this is only an attempt to give some thoughts on adding to the "flourishing parent" conversation.

So, for what it's worth...here are 2 Reasons Why We Don't Let Our Kids Have Their Own Room;

1. Selfish Autonomy That Leads to Entitlement - I've spoken on this a bit before from a pastoral perspective when I wrote about entitlement being the number one killer of the American Church.  But this is the case in general for humanity...we want things our way.  We are selfish, and prideful, and while we fight to serve and care for others, at the end of the day...most people (probably not you) care more about themselves then they do the interest of others.  We look at the man on the corner with disdain, believing he'll only use our charity to fuel his addiction.  We publicly celebrate the promotion of others while privately loathing that it wasn't "me".  We struggle to honestly and earnestly serve the other with no strings attached...I know this from the hundreds of conversations I've heard and had with statements like, "She didn't even say, 'Thanks.'", or "I don't need anything in return, but it would have at least been nice to have been acknowledged..."  My point is this...my kids are learning this idea of autonomy and entitlement on their own.  They live in a world that is all about it; Look good. Smell great. Have the perfect body. Get the right job. Get great grades so you can get into the right college. Wear Axe hair spray and ladies will literally jump you...basically, be perfect and nothing should stop you from that...it's truly all about, YOU!  But it's not actually...the reality is, the job you get, the spouse you marry, the roommate you have in college...they will all demand sacrifice of you, and your autonomy and entitlement will be challenged in every stage of your life.  So, in our home, we want to create a space where you have to intentionally know how to operate in a community...sharing a bedroom forces you to compromise your selfishness, especially when you are 11 and your little brother is 4. When you are trying to read a book and he's making bombing noises destroying all things in his imaginary sight in the bunk below.  Or when she leaves her smelly socks on your "clean" jeans and you've got to figure out how to resolve your frustration, because you'll be waking up with her in the morning.  When our kids get mad, they can't just go to their room, shut the door, and listen to music...they share that room with 3 other people.  Living in community is one of THE BEST ways to fight your selfish autonomy that leads to entitlement.

2. Creating a Generous Heart - I spent the past 20 years working with families, in an organization called, Young Life.  I've had countless conversations with parents about their kids, and each of them LONGS for their child to flourish in life...all of us want our kids to grow up to be great participants in society, and to contribute in a way that makes a difference.  One of the things we want our kids to have is a generous heart.  We want them to absolutely care about "the other".  There are several ways you can foster this in your kids, but for us...sharing a room together is one intentional way we've tried to accomplish this.  Creating a generous heart is not just in giving or sharing, but it also can be seen in how we resolve conflicts and frustrations.  Our kids will have plenty of opportunities to think about themselves (see point number 1), but in the community of their bedroom...they have to figure out how to be generous with their space and "their things".  Because again...every stage of their life will require working with others, and I pray that our kids will be givers and not just takers.  Some of the first words our kids learned (after of course, "Dad-da" and "Ma-Ma"), were "Mine!", "No", "Mine!", "No!"...in fact when our kids were toddlers, it was everything we could do to get them to share with others...they could have a toy on the shelf that they never played with and as soon as one of their siblings went to play with it, it became absolutely the most important thing for them to have at that moment, and the fighting commenced.  Sharing a bedroom, has forced our kids to figure out how to share their space and time and I'm convinced it is helping create in them a generous heart.

The truth is, one day, we may change our mind on this approach of a shared bedroom...but for now at least, we are going to keep helping our kids work on their charity, care, generosity, community, and benevolence.

In whatever ways you and yours are doing this in your home...keep going!!

Staying Connected With Your Spouse When You Feel Like Two Ships Passing In The Night

It's been just over 6 months since I wrote, "The night I wanted to divorce my wife, and why 4 years later, I am so glad I didn't"  If you didn't get a chance to read it, here is the link;

http://exploringlifeandfaith.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-night-i-wanted-to-divorce-my-wife.html

It received a huge response (a couple thousand peeps read it).  I didn't realize at the time, how many couples were longing for language to help them work through their difficulties.  For those of you who are married (or once were), you know just how hard marriage can be while simultaneously being the most tremendous gift you've ever received (when things are going well!) :)  When couples are able to work well together and intentionally fan the flame of their relationship in ways that grow it...there is simply nothing like it (insert here all of your favorite synonyms of, "Joy"!).  While at the same time, you are fully aware of the Jenga like nature of your relationship, where just one wrong move can send the whole thing crumbling.  The good news (sticking with our Jenga theme), it can be rebuilt (sometimes daily...sometimes hourly).  

This fall, was another change for our family and marriage...my wife (Kari) received her dream job, but it meant our schedules had to change.  She is up and out of the house early, and I am up to get our 4 little ones moving, dressed, fed, with some semblance of good hygiene (and by good hygiene, I mean minimal bed-head).  Once the kids are off to school/pre-school the fun hasn't stopped, it's just begun for the day...once school is out, Kari picks the kids up to start the second half of the crazy (homework, activities, sports, etc...).  Throw in the carpool routine and you've got a family of 6 running around from wake-up to 8pm, with about as much marital connection as a wet band-aid (wet band-aids aren't sticky or "connected" well...for those of you still kicking that visual around) :)

So, in an attempt to help you start thinking about being better connected with your spouse in the midst of the busyness of life...here are some thoughts that have helped Kari and I stay connected when we've felt like "two ships, passing in the night."

1.  Stay Intentional!  Do you remember when you started dating your spouse...you were busy then too.  You both had individual lives, working, going to school, studying, etc...you had to be intentional about getting time together, and you loved it as you were excited to spend time together.  Why has today's busyness caused you to stop being intentional about your time together?  A few years ago, Kari and I decided that we would plan at least two significant times together throughout the year...one of those times would be a few nights away just the two of us, and one would be a time away with our kids.  It's an intentional act to take a pause from the busy and to invest in the most important thing to us...our marriage and family.  What ways are you being intentional in your marriage?

2.  Never Stop Dating.  Dating is related to the first point in that, it has to be intentional...people love to be sought after.  We love to be longed for, to be needed, to feel wanted.  Dating is one way you can tell your spouse, "I need you...and I want you to know it!"  If you only took two trips a year together, my hunch is, you'll have a pretty disconnected marriage...but dating can take place any time and on a regular basis.  Sure it can be a dinner out, a movie, or drinks...but if you are on a budget, and can't afford these things, there are hundred's of things you can do at no cost; Go for a walk, play a board game, play frisbee golf together, read a book together, lay in bed naked as you talk about your day (you probably want to do this when the kids are gone), watch funny animal videos on YouTube together...do something!!!!  If you don't date on a regular basis, you are missing out on an incredible opportunity to grow your relationship.  When is the next date you have on your calendar with your spouse?

3.  Talk positively about each other, to each other, and back it up with your actions...I know this sounds like a "self-help" idea, and perhaps it is, but there are power in words (positive and negative) and telling each other what we like about the other is work that cultivates growth.  I had shared in my previous post on marriage that I had stopped thinking positively about Kari, and it was killing the way I viewed her and our relationship...my heart was growing hard.  Once I started thinking positively about her, telling her and showing it through my actions, it not only changed the way I was thinking about her and our marriage it changed the way she was responding to me.  This is one of those areas that we neglect in the midst of the crazy...and it's perhaps the easiest thing to do.  When you walk in the door from work/school/activities...just stop, hold your spouse, look them in the eye and tell her/him what you like about her/him...even just one thing.  Not only will this grow your fondness to each other...your kids will see it and you will be modeling what it looks like to grow a great relationship.  Lastly, be sure to back this up with your actions...I could tell Kari how great she is all day long, but if I don't make the bed, help with the dishes or help around the house in ways that speak her love language, then my words are deafening to her.  So here is my question for you...how are you speaking positively about your spouse and showing it through your actions?  

As you surely know by now...to be good, marriage like anything, takes intentional work...in marriage it takes the intentional work of both people to truly flourish.  Keep working at it friends...your marriage is worth every moment of intentional work you put in to it.  Now stop reading and go on a date with your spouse!

Why it might be a good thing if Christians lose their freedom of speech.

Recent headlines around the country have caused many Christians to be outraged because of the perceived violation of their First Amendment rights.  Many of my dear friends have posted such frustrations on social media outlets claiming everyone else has the free right to speech, except Christians.  Here's a link to the Washington Post describing the scenario;

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/religion/houston-subpoenas-pastors-sermons-in-gay-rights-ordinance-case/2014/10/15/9b848ff0-549d-11e4-b86d-184ac281388d_story.html

As I pondered this notion of Christians having "rights", I began to wonder, "Maybe it would be a good thing if Christians actually lost their rights to freedom of speech."?! #entitlement

So, before you de-friend me, label me, or other...can we just pause for a moment and think of what you are saying, when you argue you have rights as a Christian in light of the New Testament narrative of God's sovereign plan for creation through the person and work of Jesus Christ.

Full Disclosure; I'm a pastor in America.  I love my "rights" and privileges as an American, as I sip my coffee at my favorite local hot spots, hoping passerby's are convicted of their propensity to sin watching me read out of my leather bound red-lettered bible, believing that I'm being a good "witness" for Christ #maybetheyllseemycrossnecklacetoo.  If you were to ask me where I fall on the political scale (left/middle/right) I would say, "It probably depends on the issue."  (let's grab a beer and talk more one day). :)  But if we really take a deep look in the Clouded American Gospel Mirror, the entitlement we (as Christians), daily take for granted has very little to do with the biblical notion of "dying to self", "picking up a cross", and "losing yourself for me (Jesus) and the gospel..."

So here are a couple reasons I think it might be a good thing if Christians actually lost their "freedom of speech".

1.  We might actually start living our faith out in an intentional, strategic, "Go and make disciples" kind of way.  Just think about it...if you couldn't talk about your faith for fear of imprisonment, fine, or worse, you'd think and act quite differently.  You'd probably stop believing it's a huge sacrifice to lose a couple hours of sleep on Sunday mornings, to "be blessed" for 59 minutes of Gospel goods and services...your "getting something out of it" desire, "I'm ready for meat" mentality, "they don't have a good children's ministry" mantra, would probably be challenged, if we really took seriously the idea of "what good is it if you gain the whole world yet lose or forfeit your very soul."

2. We might actually be better witnesses of the Gospel.  One of the things we've come to realize over the past several decades in American culture, is that we are living in a post-Christian world...Christendom in America is slowly (if not completely), dying (dead).  It's not the thing to do anymore to just go to church.  It's an intentional act, and sadly, many "non-Christians" know more about what we are against then what we are for...we talk a lot, and it's not always positive and it's not always gracious and it's not always truth.  Instead of living with a missionary mentality, to "Go and Make Disciples" we've often reduced this great mandatory charge to handing someone a pamphlet, wearing a sandwich board, or believing in the great myth to "preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words." (See Romans 10 for more on this)

So what would it look like if we had no rights as Christians?  I think we'd see a far better picture of the church in America, then we see today. We might identify ourselves with our brothers and sisters around the world who are actually living this out, and truly "considering it pure joy" when they face such trials. (http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/9-things-you-should-know-about-persecution-of-christians-in-2013)  One of Jesus great promises as he was nearing death was that, "In this world, we would have trouble...", and I don't think he meant the "trouble" you experience when the barista is super slow at 9:52 on a Sunday morning, which causes you to be late for the 10am service. #sacrificeforthegospel #goodjob

Friends, the Gospel story is about God...the greatest love story ever told.  It's a story that reveals we actually have no rights (see Ephesians 2 on this)...yet in an incredible shift of grace, one day, as full heirs of the Kingdom...we have been given the right to say we belong to God.  This however, it's not a "right" of yours, it's a privilege for sure, not granted by any American court, nor to be taken by one.

So please, by all means, let's give thanks for all the rights as Americans we are entitled too, and not confuse those with rights we think we have as Christians...the two are quite different.  If those rights get taken away, maybe...just maybe, we can rejoice in the opportunity we are given to live in real tangible, sacrificial kind of way.  That we might truly hear Jesus when he says,  "...come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.…"

2 Reasons There is Life AFTER Young Life.

To the 4 people who will actually read this post...let me try to explain why I'm writing it.

I've been involved with Young Life for 25 years.  For almost 10 of those, I was on Young Life staff (affectionately known in YL vernacular as being "on Staff" ie..."I'm on Staff in _____").  It is the GREATEST ministry I have ever been involved in with regard to reaching kids...YL is genius in the way it reaches out to kids who are disinterested in Jesus or the church.  I was one of those kids as a 17 year old senior in high school.  

I got involved as a leader for many of the same reasons other leaders do; our hearts were captured for the mission.  We shed tears in cabin times, laughed uncontrollably around dining hall tables and club rooms, put on countless unsuccessful car-washes, listened and heard the still small voice during all camp quite times.  We loved the mission...and still do.  In fact, I am still a volunteer middle school (Wyldlife) leader today...like I said before, it is the best ministry I know in reaching disinterested kids.

But there is also a side to Young Life that is talked about far too little...it's the burnout, exhaustion and frustration that comes from joining the crazy of contact work, club, campaigners and camp.  We come off the "Best Week of Our Life" only to sprint back to camp follow up, student leadership, fall club kick offs...wondering in January if we can really gear up again.  

I write this post in an attempt to give a voice to all of those folks who absolutely love the ministry of YL (please hear me...I love the mission of YL.  Have I said that enough?) But are one of the hundreds of souls who have been lay to waste, wondering what happened and what's next.  Here are a few reasons why there is life after Young Life.

1.  There is no such thing as a vocational call in the bible.  Many of my friends have and are bound by the guilt of hearing one of their superiors say something to the effect of, "You were called to this ministry." Which is Christianese for saying..."You can't leave or God will be displeased and you will let people down who love you."...this just simply isn't a biblical notion, it's an American Gospel ethos of hard work, commitment and faithfulness that took the idea of one's calling in the Kingdom of God and replaced that with the idea that God has just the right vocation for everyone and until you find where that is, you are running from God.  In other words, when you look at the idea of "being called" in the bible...there is no where that the context means your job, how you pay your bills, or where you volunteer with your time.  If you are tired, exhausted, frustrated with YL...one of two things should happen in your life.  A.) Either change the way you are doing ministry...stop being gone 4-5 nights a week from your family or B.) Perhaps it's time to take a break from the mission you love...YOU ARE NOT THE SAVIOR.  If YL is truly God's mission, then God will reach those kids with or with out you.  Stop believing you are bound by some mystical "call" and that others won't reach out to those kids...it will kill you (literally) and your family.

2.  The Burden is gone...When I announced I was going off of YL staff, the burden was immediately gone.  If you have ever been involved in YL as a volunteer or staff...you know that burden well.  More kids, more leaders, more money, more banquets, more fundraisers, more committee, more contact work, more spots for summer camp, more buses, more kids struggling with sin, more...more...more...more.  Being involved with YL is a lifestyle...and it requires more of you, all the time.  It's one of the reason's YL is so successful, but it's the main reason so many people burn out.  When my friends would ask me about how I felt about going off of YL staff, I would ask them, "You know that burden you are carrying right now?" to which they would smile and laugh agreeably...my response would simply be, "Yeah, that burden is gone."  Please hear me, my burden for those who are not yet a part of the kingdom of God is still among the top reasons I am pastor and volunteer YL leader today...but it's a different burden.  A burden no longer measured by my cashflow, R&E, GPS, donor care, camp spots comparatively to last year's numbers, etc... (YL terms...sorry).  If you have ever heard phrases like, "Nobody is doing what we are doing?", "Nobody is thinking about the city like you are." "You are the most important person in this community." and you believe that, then you simply are not aware of the missional movement around the world today.  Here is a great resource for more info on that; http://www.gocn.org/  The aforementioned phrases are used in the same vein as God's "vocational call" in your life which are at best, simply not true, and at worst, arrogant words to guilt you into action....be free my friend, be free. 

Lastly...let me offer one thought on why you might be burdened more so today in the mission.  As we continue to Reach A World of Kids (RWOK) we are using ministry models like Brian Summeral's Strategy 41 (see info here...http://bsummerall.com/site/Welcome.html).  I have met Brian, gone through two of his training's...he is an awesome guy, and has a tremendous heart for kids and the Lord.  I know this critique may sound harsh...but Brian's model of ministry (IMHO) is not sustainable long term...has anyone ever asked why Brian is no longer leading this type of ministry?  (I just heard you through my monitor..."Well, he's going around now and teaching it so we can reach more kids.")  To which I would argue, I don't think that's the only reason he's no longer doing it.  I'm just not convinced a team can stay healthy in life and implement that type of model long term...yes, they will reach more kids; yes, more kids will come to camp; yes more kids will come to club...but to what expense?  As you just finished this years 14 day camp follow up, helped your student leaders pick out this years school t-shirt, stuffed the school newspaper with YL fliers, began planning for this years Mr. Christmas tree (well you should have began planning already!), started promoting camp for next summer, and more...are you really looking forward to this pace of life for the years to come so we can say to our donors, "We reached 2 million kids!"...and yet, you barely have a family to go home to anymore.

I am all for reaching more kids, seeing live's transformed by the Gospel, and hearing story after story of struggling kids finding their way because of the investment of their loving leader...but I worry, with great sadness that for each kid we reach, there is a volunteer or staff person out there licking their ministry wounds, wondering how in the world they got there and how in the world to do anything about it.  

If this is you...please, ask for help.  Change the way you are doing ministry. Or perhaps for some of you, it may mean taking a break from the mission you love so you can serve in it through out your life and not just the 5-7 year sprint you are in right now.

Thank you for caring enough about kids to want to reach them in the great mission that is Young Life, but please always remember, you are not the savior...

3 Things People Will NEVER Say At Your Funeral!

Our oldest just started middle school this year, and in 7 short years, she'll be moving out (unless she red-shirts a few years in high school) and on to her next adventures (insert here all paternal hopes and unfair expectations for an 11 year old).

Knowing middle school was rearing it's awkward pubescent head in our household and celebrating my last birthday in my 30's this past August (3rd, in case you want to get that on your calendar for next year. #RedRobinisoneofmyfavoriterestaurants), I've been reflecting a ton on life, our future, family, how we are spending our time...things that really matter.

So...in a humble attempt to remind myself (and hopefully, encourage YOU!), here are 3 things that people will never say at your funeral;

1. "I sure wish he/she worked more."  Many of you know I'm a pastor...I officiate weddings, celebrate baptisms and minister at funerals...Sadly (and from a Christian worldview, joyfully), I have been to a lot of funerals...no one has ever stood up and said this.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Whether it was, "I wish my dad/mom was around more.", "He was a workaholic", or "She was never able to do the things she really wanted."  People who go to funerals are saddened not by your inability to go to the office again, but by their deep longing to spend more time with you.  I don't know what your life is like...I have no idea how your family is doing, or how you spend your time...but PEOPLE, please note...no one is going to say they wish you worked more.  If anything, they'll be sad they didn't have more time with you and so will you (Well, actually, you'll be dead...but you get the point).  Be free from the lie that if you start working less, your family will fall apart...if anything, you'll have more time to enjoy them.  What's that you say? "But Rhyan, I can't stop working because I've created a life that costs too much."  If that's the case...un-create it.  Start over...be free from the crazy and start enjoying the people that really matter to you.  They might be out of the house in 7 years.

2.  "I wish he/she had a bigger net worth." Did you know that if Warren Buffet invested his wealth in a savings account at a measly .06% he'd still make more than $34 million a year in just interest (see TIME magazine report on richest Billionaires)...that's a large net worth.  My question to you is; How much is enough? How long do you want to spend building your empire of stuff, when all along the things that matter the most in your life are the people in it, not the things you buy.  A few years ago, my son and I were playing Frisbee golf at a camp for kids in Canada (A Young Life camp called Malibu)...there was a reported Cougar (the animal) sighting that summer, and so we were talking about it as we wandered the forested golf course...about the third hole my son looked at me in deep earnest and asked, "Dad, if a Cougar attacked us, would you die to protect me?"  With out hesitation, I sad, "If I had to...I absolutely would.  I love you bud."  We were silent for a long time as we both pondered the depth of that truth.  Our relationship turned a corner that day in a profundity we had not yet known.  You know what he didn't ask?  He didn't ask,  "Dad, how much money do you make each year?  Will it be enough to provide financially for our family, and our future?"  He doesn't care about my net worth...he cares about our relationship.  At my funeral he won't be talking about my portfolio, it's ROI, or the S&P...he'll be sharing memories of our time together, not giving out investment advice I told him.

3.  "I 'm SO glad we kept that grudge all of these years." One of the hardest things to do is to is to forgive someone who has hurt you...our nature is to protect ourselves and when we get hurt by others,we tend to try and write them off instead of wading through the difficulties of restoration.  Have you ever experienced the freedom that comes with forgiveness?  I guarantee you, it's better than the weight of allowing someone else to live rent free in your head (I'll let that set in for a moment)...Sadly, I have had far too many conversations with people at funerals who say things like, "I wish we could have talked more about ______. I wish we would have forgiven each other. I wish I wouldn't have waited to talk to them...now it's too late."  Friends...please...if there is a relationship that can be healed and your pride is the only thing keeping you from beginning the process of healing...for crying out loud; Make the call. Write the letter. Go to coffee.  You won't be glad you kept that grudge when you go to their funeral.  Last year I spoke at a men's retreat in CO. During one of our times together, I had the men go and write a letter that could begin the process of healing in a broken relationship that they currently had, and I challenged them to send it.  I wish you could have been there to hear the conversations...grown men...far better men than me...crying, because they had never taken the time to ask for forgiveness or were too hurt by someone else to even try.  One man said, "I have some work to do with my son-in-law.", Another said, "I've had a grudge with my sister for 7 years...we haven't spoken, that needs to change."  I hope it does in your life too, my friend.

So the questions remain and the clock is ticking...How are you spending your time?  Perhaps a better question is, "Who are you spending it with?".  What are you living your life for?  To build an empire of temporary stuff or to have an impact on eternity (picture the scene here of Russell Crowe in the movie Gladiator saying, "What you do in this life will echo in eternity!")  Now, turn off your computer AND phone, tell your boss you are going home, go to your kids school today for "pick up" and take them out for ice-cream (or a gluten free snack of your choosing if that's healthier?).  The point is this friends...it matters how you spend your time and your money, and I don't know about you, but I don't want to miss it, and I certainly don't want to look back when it's too late and feel like I wasted my life.  Lastly, reconciliation is one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life and it may not happen fast...but the process to forgiveness and freedom is worth every ounce of the pain it takes to get there.

May you be free...May. You. Be. Free.